THAT Girl

The El Rey Network is doing a marathon of the 70s TV show The Incredible Hulk. You probably know the basic story...a regular guy (for a scientist, anyway) experiments with gamma rays during a lightning storm and gets zapped, and from then on occasionally when he gets pissed he turns into a giant green monster. Nice-guy-actor Bill Bixby played normal guy David Banner, and bodybuilder Lou Ferrigno played the Hulk. It was way pre-CGI of course, and the effects were done old-school.
 When he changed from a regular guy into the Hulk, at first he was just Bill Bixby with green contact lenses. That predated Marilyn Manson by decades. Between actor changes, they'd show closeups of David's shirt being ripped open (by expandable air bags inside the shirt). Next thing you know it's Lou Ferrigno painted green and growling. He'd have on the same shirt of course, only it would be shredded. The Hulk would always toss it aside. That was perfect for the show, since it showed his green, brick-shithouse torso.

This composite photo, which appeared at the beginning of each episode, shows more of the elite special-effects (aka trick-photography) of the day. It's the beast that dwells within us all I suppose. When the Hulk would finally finish fucking around and change back to David Banner, they'd blur Ferrigno's face into Bixby's. He'd still have the contacts in and he'd be painted a less-intense shade of green. His shirt would be gone. It was state-of-the-art stuff.
 What I could never work out was the pants. Usually he wore blue jeans. They'd be frayed at the cuffs and six inches too short like clamdiggers, but they never once came off or even had an embarrassing split in the rear. His shirt would be fifteen sizes too small and shredded to shit and completely useless as clothing, yet his jeans always stayed on. I don't think they made those stretch-poly jeans back then. Plus he jumped off cliffs and tossed around huge boulders and cars like Superman and generally acted like a maniac, which he basically was because the transformation temporarily wiped his memory and made his brain revert back to that of a beast, only with ethics against killing or anything besides knocking the bad guys the fuck out cold. He hulked-out usually at least twice an episode, and the show ran for years. His pants stayed on every time. With all that jumping and running and raising hell and everything I'm really surprised he wasn't running all over the place with his big green ding-dong flopping around.
 I caught a few minutes of an episode and it had this girl. Nobody'd remember her these days but she guested on a million TV shows. She was one of the fillies in my fantasy stable back then. She was one of those "Ooh, it's THAT girl" girls. She was in everything from Bonanza to Star Trek. She was definitely hot, and she also had that strange, vulnerable quality, and she had the best "worried" face in the business, so she often played fucked-up parts; like she always had something really serious going on. She could work it too. She made me horny. Maybe it was that hot, slightly off-kilter but who cares because she's really hot thing. She was blind in this episode. Somehow, no matter what role she played on what show, they seemed to find a way to get her into a nightgown. Loved it. Sorry, but they knew what they were doing.
 I paused the episode to snap a photo, and my jaw literally dropped. I saw something that somehow I'd apparently missed. After all those years I finally noticed she had gargantuan breasts. How could I have possibly missed that? I don't get it. I saw her in a hundred shows and I honestly don't think I ever noticed. Better late than never I guess, but that's odd. Maybe I was a gentleman, and I was looking at her beautiful face the whole time, and not her quasi-unfathomable breasts. Nah...there's no way I'd have missed titties like that. Retroactively I feel bad- like I was off my game. Oh, well. Man, it would've been so funny if they'd made her kind of like the Hulk, only when she got angry, her breasts grew. I wouldn't care if they were green. I'd like to see 'em. She gave me boners. My jeans stretched out too. Just kidding. It's not easy being green.