Sunday, August 15, 2021

Salt Lamps (and the Planet-Eater)

Salt lamps are groovy. They're good for the air too, and for us. Sadly they're hyped for something they really don't do except in limited amounts, which rightly-so gives the "Quacksayers" something to correctly debunk. It's claimed that heating salt releases negative ions, which it does, but not in any significant quantities in such a small unit. There's much better ways to generate negative ions anyway. 

 I like this type, with large rocks loosely-arranged around a good ol' incandescent bulb. You're supposed to use a 1", 5-watt bulb, but I put two if these into "Turbo Mode" by upping it to a 40-watt candelabra bulb. This bitch puts out some heat, and brightly-lights a dark hallway, so that's another feather in its cap. The salt crystals are beautiful and look a lot like Rose Quartz. 

 I have a couple of larger ones that are a single large crystal, about 6" tall and hollowed-out inside for the bulb. It's only large enough for the smaller bulb, and you wouldn't want to put a forty-watter in it anyway...it'd overheat and explode. This one breathes. You have to dump out all the salt to change the bulb, but it's fun to put it back together like a 3D jigsaw puzzle, to best cover the bright-ass bulb. 

It does get hot, and if you handle the salt less than an hour or two after it goes out, you'd better be really quick or have an oven mit. If you get salt TOO hot though, such as in a kiln or a really hot fire, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near it or downwind. Vaporizing salt releases chlorine gas, which you don't want to breathe if you enjoy living.

 It really shines in Winter. The extra heat is welcome, and the beautiful color resembles the rising or setting Sun, and it's excellent for combatting Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD. It can severely affect people who live near the Poles and don't get as much sunlight, but it can affect anyone in Winter. It gives a cheery and warm vibe, and that alone is good, but the anti-SAD deal has been proven by science (SCIENCE). 

 Also proven by science (SCIENCE) is its ability to kill germs and bacteria, including the You-know-what. Again it's not on a massive scale, and nothing like a dedicated air-purifier, but it does kill bacteria in an interesting and rather savage way, to the bacteria anyway. The tiny, unseen bugs ride around on equally-unseen tiny water droplets (vapor), except of course within the 6' Magic Circle that magically protects everyone. 

 These microscopic bugs are cruising around on/in microscopic water droplets, floating around on the air currents, looking for some hell to raise, like a tomato to spoil or a nose to make run, and hoping they'll get lucky and land on something to fuck-up, but, oh, no, there's a salt lamp ahead, and they seemed to be drawn toward it, even though it means certain death, and they can't steer away from it. The sinister orange glow looms ahead and grows bigger... "NOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooo..."


 

I think about crazy shit obviously, and it reminds me of the "Doomsday Machine" episode on the original Star Trek series. In this episode there was a crazy-ass machine(?) thing that ate planets. It also ate anything else it could snag with its tractor beam, but it was hungry, and mainly went for planets. It was a bit like a Sea Anemone, that will catch tiny plankton in its sticky "arms," but won't hesitate to grab a fish if it can.

 If that thing happened to mosey into our solar system and eat Earth right now, it'd have a severe case of upset stomach, if not outright hurl, and it'd have to go look for a few limestone moons or whatever to eat, to fight a really bad case of acid-indigestion, just like Space-Tums. 

 The planet-eater was pretty badass, but in the end, Commodore Matt Decker, played by the great William Windom, was badasser. He was a brave sum'bich, and it didn't hurt that he'd gone a tad off his trolley, but the thing was like an interplanetary shark with ultra-thick skin that nothing could penetrate, from the outside, that is. Decker stole a ship, rigged it to blow, and drove it straight down the thing's throat, or straight up its ass, depending on your point of view. 

He drove her straight in and headed for the fireworks-looking thing in the back. They switched to a side-view, and for a few tense seconds, while they spared us having to see Commodore Decker melt into protoplasm, there was nothing...and then "FWWWWOOOOOOSSSSHHHH," as a flame came out that would make any kid with a chemistry set proud. It looked like maybe it was letting out one last massive, dying fart, and there was still enough of a spark left to ignite it. Any kid with or without a chemistry set'd be proud of that one. 

 I can imagine the bacteria facing a similar scenario (without the massive fart) as Commodore decker faced...unshaven, disheveled, maybe praying, crossing his arms in front of his face and one second away from certain death...well, at least it was quick. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEE! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu..." It's not always a good idea to go to the light. Just ask Icarus. 

 In reality I guess it's really not quite that dramatic, but you never know. It depends on how you scale it I guess. Sometimes I get bored and make stupid skits in my head. Maybe the bacteria never knew what hit 'em. Salt does kill germs though, at least the ones on droplets. Salt is hydrophilic, which means that moisture is its BFF. That's why we put rice in salt shakers. Rice and moisture are even bigger buddies than salt and moisture, so the salt stays dry. The droplets crash-land on the salt crystals, and the heat instantly kills the bacteria, and then sends the clean droplet on its way, in even smaller form. Cool, huh? 

 I'm a dork and a nerd and a geek all in one but I love learning about how things work, in large or small format. They should go with the SAD deal and back-off on the ion thing, but I guess they're hopping on the science (SCIENCE) bandwagon.

 Speaking of SAD and science (SCIENCE), there was a classic episode of an ancient TV show called "Northern Exposure," which was fictionally-set in Alaska. Walt, an older but still a badass resident, was diagnosed with SAD, and prescribed a visor to wear. It had lights that were similar in frequency to sunlight. Walt started wearing it 24/7 because he got high, and he went manic. 

 He started chopping a cord of wood a day and swimming in ice-cold streams and reading a book a day or whatever, and he was high as a kite, both from the visor and lack of sleep. He drove everyone crazy talking shit about everything, and how young he felt. He finally started to hallucinate, and he wrecked his truck, swerving to avoid a herd of imaginary moose, or whatever it was. He was trippin' bollocks. They had to have an intervention, and took the visor away from him. It was nuts.

 Overall I'd say the salt lamps are worth every penny, especially since I got them at an outlet store for about $5 each. The smaller bulbs burn forever, and without that "digital" glow, but the 40w bulbs burn out every few months, plus I have to handle hot salt crystals, not for the faint of heart, or delicate of skin. The solid ones sit aside the big-ass TV, and actually make it blend-in a hair and not seem so obnoxious. They purify the air. They're nice in Winter. My mom likes them, and that's reason enough.
 

 

  



 

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