I was taking the groceries out and saw the package in the bag. I could see through the top and I saw what looked to be some sort of 1/2"-thick slabs, with a bit of pink in the middle, and I was thinking that it was the damnedest-looking Falafel I'd ever seen. Then I took it out and saw that it was London Broil. WTF? It just so happened that they'd put just those two items in one bag, and I was sure it was a mistake and that they'd switched bags, but when I got online to straighten it out I saw that they'd been substituted and that they'd tried to contact me. Fair enough. My mom will eat it and my dog will damn-sure eat it. Only thing is I was geared-up for a Falafel, and the LB was about $12 more.
Even though it was my fault I'd still have a legit case, and they'd have made it right. If no one were here to eat it I'd have done that, but no harm, no foul. Still it was an interesting choice, but to be further fair, the Falafel is pretty much an original. I could picture the shopper standing there thinking "Falafel...Falafel...hmm...WTF do you substitute for a Falafel?" And since they apparently missed the "no-meat" thing, and substituted meat for a veggie deal that's supposed to emulate meat, maybe they were also thinking "And WTF is a Falafel anyway?" I find humor in ordinary things if I can.
Know what I think I'll do? I think I'll throw a savage tantrum, and post it on Tic Tok. Ha-ha it's mostly Gen-WTFers, or whomever the fuck they are, who are having the meltdowns, and it'd be interesting to see a grizzled old fart go off the rails. First though I'd have to die my hair blue, get a fake nose ring and maybe put on a little eyeshadow or lipstick, to let everybody know I'm one of "them." God it'd be funny. Sick, but funny.
I haven't thrown a good tantrum in at least a year or two, so it might be fun to get a few Ya-Yas out while I'm at it. I mean...these days it's a good thing that I'm not a staunch Vegan or something. I could've gone-off for real. They'd have at least sent me those items gratis, and maybe a gift certificate, and the deepest, most heartfelt apology they could fake, and they'd probably make sure they had their attorney on speed-dial. I don't even know if I could throw a fake tantrum but I could try.
"YOU STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS! How could you DO this to me? I ordered VEGGIES and you sent MEAT! MEAT! MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET! I'm DEVISTATED! DEVVVVVV-ASSSSSSSS-TATED! How COULD you? You sent MEAT! My healthcare provider has already written me a script for meds to treat the PTSD I'll have for LIFE! You've RUINED me! [fake sobs or blubbering] My day is ruined...my night is ruined...my LIFE is ruined!"
I could go on and on but I'm getting nauseous. If you think that sounds dramatic, head on over to Tic Tok and search "meltdowns" or whatever. You'll see. I've never been on Tic Tok but there's a great guy on YouTube who just roasts the fuck out of those sad people, or as an astute commenter commented: "Products of a broken society." He's hilarious and truly smart, and genuinely respectful of them and quite compassionate, but if you have half a working brain left, no matter what your views, if you're a tenth as open-minded as you probably say you are, you'd find deep logic in what he's saying, and if you're truthful with yourself, you'd have to agree with at least some of what he says, because it is the truth.
Anyway I could go-off like a lunatic, and in this current climate I'd be 100%-supported. 100%. Only a few people would dare to rightly speak-up and say "Sir(?), calm down. We'll get you a new Falafel and a burrito, and while we're at it, some Xanax and a new passie." Their comments would be blocked anyway. I'm sure I wouldn't be the oldest TicToker to make a complete sad asshole of myself for the whole world to see (especially the Chinese, who OWN Tic Tok), but I'd be in the running for sure, and I bet I'd get 125,000 likes.
Every single member of the Vegan/LGBTQ123XYZLookatme🌈, etc./gender-blurred community (remember when it was just "LGB?") would rally behind me, possibly organize a Floyd-esque protest or two, and maybe even erect a lifesize bronze statue of me crying, and holding a package of London Broil. The plaque underneath would read "Falafel Queen." I'd be honored beyond belief. They'd picket the Whole Foods, and the poor fuck who doesn't know about vegeterainism would lose his or her job.
My mind is just wandering on all the shit that could happen...I could see it being covered by the Gay/Vegan channel (if it exists) on YouTube. I can imagine the pink-haired reporter covering the story. "Today a Vegan, mis-pronouned individual who's shattered for life, tried to order a Falafel, and blah-blah..." It's all playing in my head and I'm laughing, but I won't go into it right now. It's hilarious though. If I didn't know in advance that it'd get banned, it'd be funny to work-up a skit.
Ten years ago every word of this would sound like a joke, which in reality it is, but now it's prose and not comedy. Everybody'd bend-over backwards...actually forward, if you get my crude drift...to coddle and pacify me. I'd get a letter of apology suitable for framing from Whole Foods, and who knows who else. Someone would set me up a Gofundme account to cover...uhh...whatever it is, plus the cost of staggering future medical bills to treat my PTSD. It's really not that farfetched. If a guy can "identify" as a woman on a particular day, and walk nude in front of little girls, as if he didn't have a penis that day, and NOTHING happens to him except support, then fucking with these people should be no problem. Oh, the coddlization. I'd get free shit from Whole Foods for life, and I'd be a star on Tic Tok. I'd give 'em a taste of their own medicine. Sure would be funny.
😆😂🤣🤣🤣
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