I hate to go out with an evil, nasty, lying, cheating slutty witch-bitch being my last roll in the hay, but besides her I was truly blessed to be with some women who were truly sweet, loving, intelligent, funny, beautiful and horny, so I'll never utter a word of complaint about the rest of the women I was with. The first gal I ever slept with was a model, and a superlatively-gorgeous one at that, and that fine sister set the bar pretty high.
It's not like I haven't tried lately and struck out...I just haven't tried. After such a vile relationship ends, you owe it to the next person to wait a while. I find that you sometimes say things to the new partner that you wish you'd said to the last, and that isn't fair at all. I was raised to care about other people's feelings, and I do, but I realize that people like that are a dying breed. Too bad. On the other hand, if the other person knows that it's just a one-night-stand, and that for you they're just a rebound-clown, then that's another story. Done there, been that, but it can still be murky territory, and you need some time for yourself, to at least get the bad taste out of your mouth. And your soul.
It's also not like I have no possibilities. In fact last year there were three different women who were basically proffering themselves, but with the plannedemic and all and blah-blah it just didn't really happen. Never say never, but they've pretty much gone off to other things, although we keep in touch and I usually don't burn bridges. I ran into an old girlfriend (I'll call her Jane) about four years ago but sadly I was still with the witch. She tried her damnedest to get me to go our with her, and if I'd known what I know now I'd have taken her up on it.
She's one of those women who's just crazy-healthy and vibrant, and the reason is that they've all worked in health-food-type places for most or all of their lives, although she also teaches. BTW I know another sister who got a job in a health-food store straight out of high school, and worked her way through college. She started working there just to get a discount on stuff, and that's all she's ever done. I dated her sister off and on forever, and she's blessed with extreme beauty and youth, so it's certainly in the genes, but her sis is a different story. No one ever believes her age. She looks 35 years her junior, and that's no joke.
The previous sister Jane is so young-looking it's spooky. It's almost like "The Picture of Doreen Gray" or something like that, or maybe time-travel...I don't know. Nah...really I do know. It's because she eats healthy, takes the proper supplements and whatnot and doesn't take meds, and she doesn't put any bullshit into her body. HA-HA...except for me that is, back in the day.
I've told this story before but it's a classic, and you couldn't give a woman a bigger compliment, or accidental pickup line, if you tried. A good while back I was setting up in the afternoon to play a party that evening. It was at a huge house with a huge lawn with ancient trees and all, and I saw a very attractive woman walking to her car. She saw me and smiled, and keep looking at me and smiling as she walked across the lawn toward me, as if she knew me.
It was like a scene in a movie. The house belonged to one of the Elite families...a red-brick mansion in a yard where they'd probably spent at least half a mil on the landscaping alone, back then. She emerged from between a 10'-tall, beautiful stand of Red-Leaf Photinia. From about 75 yards away I could see that she had a glow, which was most impressive considering it was a beautiful sunny day. No kidding...if it'd been dark I bet I could've seen her aura glowing, without the use of psychedelics.
When she got a little bit closer I literally froze. She looked just like Jane, only I hadn't seen her in almost twenty years and if anything she looked younger than then. I was just standing there holding my cymbal bag or whatever, maybe my dick too, and I was frozen like a dummy and staring like a fool. I couldn't help it, and it seemed to be okay because she kept looking at me too. She walked up to me and stopped, still smiling. So far so good. I was tripping, and I remember literally having to close my mouth. I was already staring at her, and I didn't want to drool too.
She was just standing there waiting on me to say something, but I'm sure I looked like someone who'd just seen a ghost, and I really felt like I had. I finally managed to speak. "Ummm...you have a clone." "I do?" she replied. "Yeah, or something...a Doppleganger...a twin, and I mean a carbon-copy. Do you happen to have an older sister...a good bit older?" I was standing 18" away from a woman I'd known, in the biblical sense too, and I didn't know who she was. I mean, I know whom she looked like, to a T, but Jane should've aged some, yet she looked about 22 maybe, same as when we last dated. It was freaking me out how much they looked alike. It was because they were the same person.
I said "Do you have a sister named Jane, by chance?" "I AM Jane" she said. "Son of a..." I started to say but stopped myself. "JANE!" I exclaimed. "KELLY!" she replied. We hugged like there was no tomorrow. "How...what did you...what's the deal? Time-travel?" She laughed and told me she was still doing the health gig. It was remarkable, and I was flabbergasted. Anyway the reason I brought her up is that when she tried so hard to get with me a few years ago, she told me that I was a "commodity." I appreciated her candor, and she was right. Same for her. Speaking of...I really need to track her down and give her some of my lotion and lip balm and stuff. Hmm...she really let out the slack trying to get with me fairly recently. You never know...
But alas I may die never getting any more pussy for as long as I live, and if so it's okay. Although my dick still works fine I'm not led around by it quite as much as I was in my sport-fuckerman years, but thank God it still happens sometimes. Men have a tiny brain in the head of the penis, and while it's tiny in size compared to the regular brain, it can completely short-out the big brain and cause it to make the rest of the body do whatever it takes to get a piece of ass.
I remember so many times being at a party or a club and under certain circumstances I was literally being led around the room by my dick. I knew it was in control and it was useless to fight it. Plus we made a good team some nights, but then again sometimes it got me to make a complete ass of myself, and ruin any chances of ever getting with that person again. I'd hear this little voice in my head that I knew was my dick. It'd say "Hey, Goofball...THAT one ever there! Let's GO!" and off I'd go, just like I'd been jerked away by one of those curved sticks they'd use to pull the joker offstage back in the Vaudeville days.
Then it hit me that I've been poontangless for three years officially, although the last year of our deal was shit, and so technically it's closer to four, but for pride's sake I'll call it three. I was thinking about one day when Doug and I were out running errands. It'd been three years since he'd dated anyone, and like me the three-year anniversary hit him. "You know," he said, "I haven't gotten any pussy in the last three years. I'd have to fuck every five minutes to make up for it." We cracked-up, and then he repeated it, with embellishments, in a sing-song voice.
"I said IIIIIIII gotta-fuck-every-five-minutes-to-make-up for ALLLLLL the pussy I haven't gotten in the last three years." We started laughing even harder. I picked up on the rhythm and the groove and joined-in. We got louder, and pretty soon we were driving around in the middle of town, with the windows down, yelling "IIIIIIIIIIIIIII gotta-fuck-every-five-minutes-to-make-up for ALLLLLLLLL the pussy I haven't gotten in the last three years!" to all of the poor people within earshot, and we were dying laughing. It was hilarious, but I guess you had to be there.
So yeah, I find myself in that boat. I thought back to that day and I got a chuckle. As much as we were getting our jollies and screaming like lunatics, Doug too wasn't overly-bothered, but he wouldn't have turned anything down. The stark difference between me now and Doug then was that the last woman he was with was a pure goddess. She was fine as wine...Good GOD, y'all...sweet, hot as a firecracker, friendly, very smart, and oh, yeah...she read books on how to please men in her spare time.
The one I was with...let's just say that after sex with her I'd often get a monster headache, which was really unusual, she she'd try to tell me that I'd exerted myself so much I'd gotten dehydrated or raised my BP too much, but it was because I'd been fucking a demon. Doug had an angel. I had a real-life Succubus. Big dif. Big, big dif. Doug would've gladly hooked-up with his gf again, and rightly-so. Me? Shiiiiit. No way Jose.
I see ads for dating sites all the time, and most of them know I'm an old fuck, so they're geared to my age-group, which is "old." I see everything from "young women who dig older guys" to why I should be dating Scandinavian women to ads for boner pills (don't need them yet, thanks). One fact about dating sites is they're crawling with narcissists looking for victims, and worse, and by some miracle I've never had to rely on dating sites, or the aforementioned hookers to get dates. I was never good at hitting on women (except for a couple or three times when I was blackout-drunk, and according to witnesses, I walked up to every female in the room, with my hands three feet apart, and said "Baby, I got a dick THIS BIG!"), but if I saw a little crack in the door open up I was in like sin.
Besides, you never know if the person is totally full of shit, or even if that's their real photo or not. I've heard millions of stories, from guys anyway, who met someone online and saw a beautiful photo but it turned out to be a hag, or worse, they got friendly and "she" turned out to be one of those "chicks with dicks." Ouch. Most people lie like motherfuckers but I have an aversion to lying (and liars), and I'd have to be truthful if I were to put up a deal on a dating site. My profile blurb would be something like:
"SWM, almost 64, seeks SF, 35-70, for conversation, companionship and maybe more. If you're financially-independent, and don't mind someone who isn't, ring me up. I have no house, no car, no job, no income, no future, no life and no hope, but my dick still works fine without taking boner pills. Holler now...ya hear?"
The part about my dick working would get 'em. A little truth might be the way to go, but ads ain't my game. I've made it this far without dating sites and hookers...why change now. It'd be funny though. I bet I'd get a few hits. I hear there are lots of lonely women out there who could use, as the late, great Benny E would say, "A good gooberin'" and I'd be the guy.
There are still some amazing women out there, and not all of them are married. All these women I've met online who are so smart and so funny and so genuinely nice and all, and who are into things like meteors and solar charts and the Schumann's Resonance and such, and who make me feel like I've died and gone to Heaven when I'm chatting with them...they're all over the US, and in fact, the world. If I could find one of them here in the Tragic City I'd be over the Moon, but I ain't worried.
I'll leave with the classic tune by Bob Marley, "No Woman No Cry" (link: HERE) Of course he's telling the woman not to cry while he's away, but if you take the chorus by itself it could mean that there's no use crying over no poontang. Sorry, Bob. It's like: "No woman?" "No cry." Punctuation is everything. What truly sucks about the old band not getting together is that I knew, just as sure as I've ever known anything, that I'd meet someone nice, at least to have coffee with, but OH, WELL.
With one notable exception I've been blessed with knowing some amazing women, and with one or two exceptions I still talk to them occasionally and there's a lot of love, especially between my first true love (I was hers too) and me. She told me some years back that she married someone as close as she could find to me, which blew me away. I searched the world over for another like her, although I knew in my heart back then that I'd never find anyone close, and so far that's been the case, with all due respect to "all the girls I've loved before." If she ever became single I'd follow her to the ends of the Earth. Well, part of this was funny. To any interested sisters, please read the forth paragraph up. Thanks.
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