Goofus and Gallant was and still is a moralistic cartoon featured in Highlights for Children magazine, for most of its time. It features two young boys, one of whom, Gallant of course, is very respectful, well-behaved, well-mannered and always does the right thing. Goofus is a dick.
I took a quick look on Wiki, mainly to see if the series was still going, and learned that it started in 1940, and for the first decade or so, they were elves. Interesting. G&G was acquired by Highlights a few years later, and in around 1952 they became human. Their ages varied from five, presumably in the early years, on through various ages up until the age of twelve, where they stopped aging. The clothes, hairstyles, backgrounds and subject matter have changed with the times, but they've been stuck in preteen limbo for almost 75 years.
I thought surely (Stop calling me Shirley) the series would've fallen out of fashion and ended years ago, but I was wrong. Maybe there are still enough parents who give a fuck about teaching their kids how to treat people to make it worth it. I was letting my mind wander, and writing a script for when they became older, and what might happen in adult life.
Thinking about them staying in a loop of being the same age for 75 years reminded me of some "family" shows from back in the day. They'd have a kid who was young at the beginning of the show, but as they naturally aged over the years, the producers still tried to make them look young, with things like hairstyles, makeup, or lack thereof, looser clothing, no heels, and in some cases even taping-down breasts. Ouch.
I remember around 2000 or so seeing a copy of Highlights, and dang if Goofus and Gallant wasn't still going. I got a chuckle and of course read the episode, but I don't remember it. I'm pretty sure Gallant did the right thing, and Goofus fucked-up royally. Hmmm...early 2000s...maybe the story was something like, "Gallant is polite and respectful on the Internet. Goofus is rude, and types in all-caps." I'm still letting my mind wander.
So, say their contract expired...a hostile takeover of Highlights or something, the age-loop stopped, and Goofus and Gallant finally started getting older...what would happen to them? It's not very difficult to imagine what might happen, based on their prior behavior, not counting the time they were elves. This is my version of their possible future.
Gallant went to high school, made straight-As, was quarterback on the football team, dated the head cheerleader (but never even tried to get to second-base with her), was in ten clubs, studied French and Spanish and received several scholarship offers, for both academics and sports. Goofus flunked freshman year and quit school, started drinking and smoking pot, and moved on to harder drugs and stealing cars.
Gallant attended an Ivy League college, graduated Suma Cuma Lauda, attended graduate school, got a seven-figure job, a beautiful wife and a beautiful house (with Talking Heads occasionally on the killer stereo system) in a beautiful neighborhood. Goofus was doing Crystal Meth, never had money, was seeing hookers, had been kicked out of half a dozen apartments and was living on the streets. He was still an asshole. Oh, and he also wore an eye patch, because he still ran with scissors.
Gallant had a long, healthy and happy life, a satisfying career, several charities in his name, a happy and faithful marriage, with a couple of well-mannered kids. Goofus was sleeping in doorways and on grates in the Winter. He was still such an asshole that he got banned from every shelter in town. Goofus begged, stole and whatever else to get money for drugs and cheap liquor. He'd spend an occasional night in jail, which was the only time he ever got a hot meal. One day he OD'd on heroin.
THE END
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