[ ]"I don't like big butts and I cannot lie...this big butt makes me want to cry." That'd be my version of that song. I guess Sir Mix-a-Lot would dig this sister. Beg pardon, I don't know her name, but now I do know her ass. Some things you can't unsee. As far as I know she has the biggest natural duke on the planet. I could be wrong, and I don't know if Guiness came a-knockin' for the "World's Biggest Ass" category, and there are bigger natural asses on huge women, and augmented asses these days out the wazoo, but as far as ass-to-body ratio I think she wins. She's proud of that ass anyway. She calls it "bum," and that's exactly what it does to me...it bums me out.
[ ]Don't get me wrong...I may be a "breast man," whatever that may say, but I love the whole package, and a pretty rear is a part of that. There's nothing worse than a bony-butt woman, but I'd take that over this monstrosity. A little extra "curve in the derrieruve" is never a problem. I worked with, and briefly dated, a sweetheart, old soul, goddess, funny person, friend and Robosister named Laura. My buddy Jack called her "The Ass of God." He was correct. Speaking of, I have to tell this story yet again. One night I was out with my homegirl Cay, and we met up with O' at a club, to see my favorite local band here ever- the Cast. Their singer (they all sang) and flautist Libba had a very shapely rear, but it came naturally from running and working out every day. She's a fit sister.
[ ]The Cast was known for their brilliant use of what I call the "secret weapon" in music- dynamics. They'd be roaring along at full volume and then they'd cut it on a dime and drop down to a whisper. O' and I had a rare night off, and we had a big buzz going, to the point of slurring our words. Bless her heart, Cay agreed to stay sober-ish and drive us both home. We were sitting right by the side of the stage, giving us a perfect profile-view of Libba. The place was packed to the gills and people were standing in the back and even on the stairs, and the band was crankin'. As usual I gave her rear the customary glance, and that duke absolutely seemed to be defying gravity, especially when she'd strike her "Ian Anderson" pose when she played flute, and sort of prop herself up on one leg. As Sam Douglas would say "It was a eyesight to see." it really was.
[ ]It was a loud room and the band was playing full-blast and I had to shout to O' to be heard. I leaned over and slurred "Maaaaaannnnnn..." "Whaaaaaaaaat..." Slurred O' back. Just then the band throttled-down 75% and dropped to a whisper, but with my delayed reflexes due to alcohol I couldn't stop with them, and I shouted, in a suddenly-quiet room, "You could set a martini on Libba's ass." The whole place cracked up, including the band. They had to lay-out and vamp through a verse before they could quit laughing enough to sing. Libba was a great sport about it, and she worked in into the show. She leaned back and turned her head and looked down at her rear and made a "Not bad" face and then cracked up. She took it as a compliment, and she didn't get "offended" like the snowflakes today. They'd have me removed from the club. Back then everybody thought it was hilarious. Good times.
[ ]Anyway those are a couple of my "ass" stories. I do love a pretty tail but there's a limit, and my Ass Limit chart won't go high enough to even register this monsterous ass. I'd recalibrate but it might make me hurl. An inch or two of extra cushion for the pushin' as they say, is fine, but anything much more becomes grotesque, but to each his, or her, own. Some ladies (?) get implants that make their asses unthinkably huge. I realize some guys dig it or they wouldn't do it, but thinking about giant asses makes me queasy. It really does. Sister became ass-fascinated at an early age. One interview said she "dabbled in injectibles" as a teenager, but since then she goes about it naturally. She does strenuous exercises and lifting every day, mainly squats and variations thereof, and that's not a joke. She's a celeb, but to me it's a freak show.
[ ]She even has a special diet, to give her ass the building blocks it needs to be the best that it can be. She eats lots of fried eggwhites and meat, and she says she's always planning her next meal while she's cooking that one. She looks great from the waist up. From the waist down I'm out. It looks like a "Fart Tuba" and I bet it sounds like one too. If I see a woman who attracts me I can instantly feel the changes in my body and attitude. It's a nice sensation, and hardwired in. I don't know what all chemicals are released in that situation but I'm guessing Endorphons, maybe some Adrenaline, and possibly even some Oxytocin (Nature's Ecstacy) for good measure, but whatever it is it works. When I see an ass like this I don't get that feeling at all. It turns me completely off and it turns mystomach too. They say that we're all "a little bit gay," which I say is just more bullshit propaganda, but when I see dat ass I can almost see logic in that statement for a minute. That's a joke, but I just can't pict and watch it work. Like she could slap it, and it'd send ripples across that ass like a boulder in a duk pond. That might be entertaining. Or not. ure having sex with her. Good thing I don't have to. You can forget about doggy-style. Well, that's about as far as I can let my mind wander before I have to lasso it and drag it back to reality. Yeesh.
[ ]Big butts may not be everyone's cup of tea, but they're trending, or at least they were before you-know-what hit last year. I huess like many other elective surgeries that were cancelled or delayed by the bug, ass-augmentations declined in some circles too. But there's plenty to go around. If I ever need to make myself throw-up I won't have to take Ipicac. I can just hop on YouTube and watch a few Monster Ass vids and that'll go the trick. BTW I'm not attracted to gargantuan breasts either, although that's a thing too, but better those than a bubblebutt. At least sister is doing it naturally, but that doesn't make it any less repulsive. You'd see her sitting in a movie theater and from the waist up you think she's hot, but from the waist down she could get stuck in her chair. Where would she even put her popcorn, or Milk Duds? It's just wrong. I do also have to give credit to Sir Mix-a-Lot- he took a universal thing and ran with it and turned it into a classic hit song. It's kinda catchy. Love the groove, not the opinions.
[ ]The only cool thing I see about an ass this huge is that maybe they could get somebody like the Slo-mo Guys, and film that thing in ultra-high-speed. Like maybe she could slap it. It'd send ripples across that ass like a boulder landing in a duck pond. Other than that I'll have to pass on that ass, but to each their own. Like Whatshisface said, the problem with the world is that half of it can't understand the pleasures of the other half. That's so true, thank God. Well, thanks for reading, and don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. And as I always say, "Have an ass day!" THE END.
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