Don't Quit Your Day Job, Buddy

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[ ]I just sat through over half an hour of one of the worst "singer-songwriters" I've ever heard. Why? I have no idea. Is it a case of late-onset Latent Masochism Syndrome or something? I sure hope not. Is it the need for penance? I don't think so but that's what it felt like. Maybe I kept hoping he'd get better, or maybe it was just a car-crash fascination with seeing something really bad and uncomfortable. That's pretty sick I guess but some things are so bad they're good. I kept thinking "Why are you doing this, bro?" [ ]A guy I kinda know was going live on YouTube, and the guy was on his show. He was already playing when I got on, so who knows how long the whole thing lasted. I caught three tunes plus long instrumental interludes. Bless his heart, the interludes were actually really cool and probably the reason I stayed so long, but the songs were bad. Really bad. People in the chat were being nice to him and very patient, but you could virtually feel people squirming in their seats. I sure know I was. [ ]The host came on after the first song (that I heard anyway) and interlude and tried to politely thank him and get back to his show, but dude was just getting started. After the first song he noodled on chords for a good while. He was playing some cool suspended-type chords and some decent fingerpicking. He got quieter as the host came in and it seemed that the concert was over, but it was a false alarm. The guy went on to play two more songs and two more interludes. It was very kind of the host not to fake a technical problem or cut the stream entirely and start over. Bless his heart too. [ ]His songs had, let's say a spiritual bent to them. He was singing some shit about how if everybody was called Up Yonder, they'd have to wait on him because he still had shit to do, and he was "in the band." Huh? If he was really in a band they must've REALLY needed a guy. I'm not sure I'd go see that band. Actually, maybe I would. If they were all that bad it'd be entertaining. If you ever wanted to relive your wilder years and drop some acid, that'd be the time to do it. You might have to bolt like lightning and hit the woods, but it'd be an interesting experience. [ ]After the second tune and instrumental-interlude he faded again, but it wasn't over yet. The host came on the screen and made a heart shape with his fingers. That was all the energy he had left. It was touching. He was hoping dude was finally wrapping it up after twenty minutes, but no cigar. He went from the jam into another tune, sort of like the Grateful Dead but not really the same at all. He was singing some shit about how they wanted to publish one of his songs and pay him a lot of money, except they thought it was a funny song and they got his message all wrong, but he was going to give all the money away anyway. WTF? [ ]The last song had two chords...one, two. I wouldn't exactly say that he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket but his singing wasn't great. He was flat, and when he'd get to a good part and really belt it he got flatter. He was singing about a song deal gone bad but he would've given the money away because money wasn't what he was about. He was playing two chords back and forth with no variation, and he was flat. It damn sure made me want to pick up the guitar. There aren't many people I sing better than but at least I can stay on pitch, and I reckon I could learn two chords and play them with some sort of semblance of rhythm. [ ]I could sing about shit that didn't work out and how my shit was serious but they thought it was funny, and I'm not about "Show me the money." That would be hilarious. I may have to film that whole thing, just to prove it exists, and maybe to learn that song about how shit went bad but he was still a philanthropist. I should do it. Gotta start somewhere. I'm bored shitless anyway. I'm not sure what the title is but I could name it "I Didn't Get the Money 'Cause They Thought It was Funny." I could really make it my own. "They almost used my song, but they got it all dang wrong. Didn't get my big payday, but I'd'a give it all awaaaaaay (anyway)." I don't know why I never thought of recording an album of all dorky songs. Dorkrock. Just for fun I make up real "tear in your beer" Country songs in my head. I'm sure I could come up with lyrics for plenty of Dorkrock tunes. A new genre...maybe it's time. [ ]Maybe there was a reason I watched that guy for so long. Maybe I needed inspiration to start a new brand of music- Dorkrock. It'd sort of be a mixture of Country, Rock and Peewee's Playhouse. If I wanted to do it right I'd hire some badass players and secretly learn some kickass and popular tunes but play Dorkrock as long as you could get away with it, but if people started booing and the club owner was about to go ahead and pay you to leave early, you could switch gears and bust out a killer rendition of "Whipping Post" or whatever. That would be fun. "I thought I had a record deeeeeeeal...it made my baby squeeeeeeeeeal." I can see it now. Now it's just a matter of what to name the band. Normally I'd say "Rock on" but this time I'll say "Dorkrock on." Have a nice day.