I'm putting in 16-18 hour days that normally two or three people would be doing, but I'm by myself. I'm looking after my bedridden mom, and have to do everything for her. It's not so much a physical thing as it is mental, and I haven't had a day off in over a year, except when she had to go into the hospital for a few days, and I slept for three days solid.
I haven't had a vacation of any kind in over 16 years, and I didn't have even one single day off for over 15 years. I'm cut off from almost everything I love and that's been part of my life- my friends, my music, my river and my livelihood. It's truly a miracle I have any traces of my sanity left, and some people think I don't.
I don't get enough food or sleep, and on top of everything else, soon, unless things change and I start selling my stuff or something, I'll be homeless. I barely have enough energy to do the things I absolutely must do, and everything else I've let go to shit. Even if I weren't burnt to a crisp, there's nothing at all to look forward to. A couple of music things didn't pan out, and I'm finally accepting the fact that music is a done deal for me. It sure was fun.
Even though it's not from drugs or alcohol and I'm not all trashed from substances, rock bottom still sucks. There's no 12-step program or whatever for being a piece of shit. Except for doing a very mediocre job of taking care of my dog and my mom, I'm completely useless. If it weren't for them I wouldn't care if I didn't wake up tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to living on the streets anyway.
If there's anything else positive to say it's that I do count my blessings every day, even if I feel that I used them all up years ago and I'd have tried to save a few if I'd known. I've done things that most people can only dream of, and I'm not being arrogant. That's how it is. I'm still happy for people who are doing well. Besides that I don't suppose I really give a fuck about much of anything. It's no biggie. Have a nice day, and I mean it.
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