The Best Substance-Related Comment I Ever Heard

I've told this story before...imagine that...but as always, who cares? It's by far the best comment I ever heard about substances, in this case 'shrooms.

 So one night this huge biker guy showed up at a party. He already had a good liquor buzz and he was ready to partay. Lots of people were taking 'shrooms at the party, and even though he'd never tried them he was ready.

 Someone had a bag of 'shrooms that was maybe twenty grams, which was at least five adult-strength doses. The big dude asked what the usual dose was, and they said around 3.5 grams or whatever it was. Since he was big, and had to drink more and take more drugs to get the same effect as normal-weight people, he figured he'd need way more than that to get off.

 People tried to tell him that it wasn't like that at all and that the regular dose was all he needed and then some, but he wasn't having it. There was a guy there who was like a Sage or something. He was calm and mellow, smart as shit and hilarious to boot. 

 He had a beautiful but simple way of stating things that really got the point across in a way that everyone could understand. He was just the kind of person you'd want to babysit you if you were having a bad trip or whatever, and luckily for the big boy he was there. He said to the big guy, "Dude, it's not a body-weight deal; it's a brain-weight deal." That's brilliant, and so true. It's also hilarious.

 Mondo Expando ignored his amusing but useful advice. He snatched the bag of mushrooms out of the person's hand and downed the whole thing before anyone could stop him. There was a collective "Oh, shit...this is going to be a long night" from everyone in the room. It was. Needless to say he got a little too high.

 For the next six hours or so, the main feature of the party was this gigantic dude, dressed in leather and otherwise would've looked like a badass, curled up on the floor in the fetal position and weeping like a baby.

 There were several Deadhead girls in tie-dyes who were stroking his shoulders and telling him that he was going to be okay. They were a godsend. I bet they looked like glowing angels to him, and for all practical purposes they were, sort of like a living "Get Well Soon" Hallmark card. Ha-ha, that's funny.

 I'm also willing to bet that Biggun never touched 'shrooms again for the rest of his life, however long it may or may not have been. Big ol' biker dudes don't usually end up on the floor in the fetal position at parties. Bless his heart. I wish I'd kept in touch with the mellow dude, but I'll never forget his comment. It's so perfectly true.

 The moral of this story is that if you've never tried a new substance, and you don't want to end up sobbing like a baby in the fetal position, if you're given sage dosing advice, you might want to take it. If that advice also happens to be hilarious, have a good laugh but don't laugh it off. Have a nice day.