Everybody has their own style, and it really comes out when they're wasted. I wish I had some editing software...I'd string a bunch of them together, add some Calliope, post the video on my YT channel and really be an asshole.
What's even funnier than the dance of insobriety is when the cop will ask them if the have any medical conditions that would prevent them from doing the tests, and all of the sudden they have a medical history as long as your arm.
It's beautiful because they either have to make up utter bullshit on the spot, and some of them are good enough to do improv comedy, or they take a minor complaint they do have and try to make it into some crippling condition, so if they flub the tests, it couldn't possibly be due to alcohol. It's poetry.
I might have to go back and look over these vids and note some of their medical excuses because I can't remember too many at the moment but they're hilarious. It might be a concussion they had six months ago or a broken ankle from 2018 or some other ancient injury, but whatever it is it's somehow still in play. One older lady who was plowed claimed she had an "Astigmatism of the shoulder." I'm not sure how it would affect balance even if it existed, but you gotta give her props for creativity.
The woman doing the walk in the above image had one I'd never heard. She claimed that one of her legs was shorter than the other one and they "didn't line up," so there's no way she could walk a straight line under any conditions. The cop chuckled and asked her just to do her best.
Not surprisingly a lot of bartenders and servers get pulled over after work, and they come up with all these crazy excuses why they supposedly can't walk, yet they've just been running around for four hours straight during a busy shift. Alcohol and critical thinking don't usually go together.
It's also funny when people try to deny they've had any alcohol when the cops can smell it, and they're glassy-eyed and slurring. "I spilled a drink on myself" is often used. Any open containers belong to someone they just gave a ride home to, and certainly aren't theirs. People forget how much they reek of alcohol when they drink, and how far the scent travels. Some people think that vodka doesn't leave alcohol on their breath but I'm not sure where that came from. If you drink you stink.
One of these episodes reminded me of something I hadn't thought of in forever. Back during the partying years, we were well aware that the cops around here usually didn't have anything better to do past 10pm than look for drunk drivers, so when we'd get loaded at parties, we'd practice walking a straight line. I started that thing, and it turned into a pretty fun party game. Some of us got pretty good at it but some of us would've been locked up immediately. Good times.
Those who share my sick sense of humor might enjoy a video with a bunch of people who can barely walk, much less in a straight line. Maybe one day I can afford to get some screen-capture and editing software and make it happen, but meantime, if you want to see people who do even stupider shit that you and me, go to YouTube and search "DUI traffic stop." You'll find endless entertainment, and it just may make you think twice before getting behind the wheel when you're too "toddified."
Albert Collins wrote a song about the denial of alcohol's effects. The hook was "I ain't drunk...I'm just drinkin'." It's brilliant. I'm surprised those people don't learn it. It'd probably work about as well as any of the other bullshit they try. Astigmatism of the shoulder...that's a good one. Don't drink and drive.
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