There's a book that says there will come a time when our faith will be severely tested, and perhaps that time is now. Speaking for myself, my faith has been extremely tested, and I know it hasn't been tested all it's going to be, but I think I passed the test.
Sometimes part of my brain thinks that's absurd to believe in something we can't see, but that doesn't last very long. I also question things like how could a loving God allow this or this to happen, but that's trying to put a deity into human terms of how we think and why we do the things we do, and that's not how it works.
Interestingly a couple days ago and out of the blue I got a call from a number I didn't recognize. It was someone I knew as a kid but haven't spoken with in half a century. She had no idea why, but she felt that God had "led" her to call me. She knew nothing about my situation.
We talked for almost two hours but it seemed like half an hour maybe. As it turns out she'd looked after her folks too, for six years. She'd been through what I've just gone through, with a few notable differences. She had her brother helping regularly, and they could afford to have regular help in the form of nurses who'd come by for 6-7 hours every day, to give them a break. She was able to take breaks once a month or so, for up to five days at a time. That must've been nice.
With her brother helping and nurses coming by, she was only "on the clock" for eight hours or so a day. I had no such help and my days were 16-18 hours long. I never got a single day off. Even with regular time off and vacations, it still took her down physically, mentally and spiritually. She literally couldn't believe I'd never had a break, and she too believes it's by the Grace of God I didn't completely lose my shit. She did it for six years. I did it for sixteen.
It did me a world of good to be able to talk to someone who'd been through the same thing. Oh, and she was married to a narcissist for many years. Small world. It was weird how much we have in common, and we didn't know a thing about each other's situation. She told me about times when she believes that God opened doors for her, and it was pretty remarkable. Her timing couldn't have been more perfect, and I needed to hear what she had to say. But it's just a coincidence, right?
It would be hard for me not to believe in God after my encounter with a pack of wild dogs many years ago, and seeing, or thought I was seeing an angel who stood between the dogs and me, and kept me from being a midnight snack. As crazy as it sounds to most people, an angel protecting me is the only logical explanation I can see as to why the dogs couldn't go the last 15' between us, to eat me.
I was absolutely certain that it was my last night on Earth, and that a pack of wild dogs was about to rip me to shreds. My hair was standing up and I was praying for God to forgive my sins and accept me into His kingdom, and instead of freaking out and being terrified I was totally at peace. Fight-or-flight had kicked in to the max and I should've been as freaked out as I'd ever been in my life, yet I was completely unafraid. How do you explain that? You can't, at least not by how most people think.
I'm much more frightened by my upcoming situation in fact than I was the night I was certain that I was about to become dog food. I also don't have the same sense of peace that I had that night, but as of yet I haven't totally lost it. No matter what happens I'll never turn my back on God. Never. I'm all in.
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