What I'm Glad I'm Not

Waaaay back in the day there was a commercial for Oscar Mayer wieners. These kids were so into them that they formed a little parade, and sang the trademark song: "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I'd truly like to be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, everyone would be in love with me." The parade was led by a girl, so I guess you could say it was ahead of its time. 

 But there was one kid, seen here being scowled at by the majorette, who didn't join in. He rightly recognized that if he really were an Oscar Mayer wiener, he'd soon be history. Either way it made Oscar Mayer wieners sound quite tasty, and it was brilliant marketing. The one kid marched to his own drummer as it were. You can see the original commercial >HERE. 

 He started his own parade. He marched in the opposite direction and sang: "Oh, I'm glad I'm not an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I'd never want to be. "Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, there would soon be nothing left...of...me..." He trails off at the end because the girl hears him singing a different tune, and reroutes the parade to head him off at the pass, as seen here. He's forced to join the main parade. Maybe it was "predictive programming" about future censorship...who knows. Hey, I'm with you, kid. 

But you know what I really wouldn't want to be, even more than an Oscar Mayer wiener that was destined for the grill? I wouldn't want to be Dr. Fauxci's soul in the afterlife...no sir. And just as an observation, I think it's incredible that they actually commemorated his pathetic first pitch at a Nationals game, and if he's really narcissistic enough to actually have it in his collection, then he's a fucking goober. I'd be ashamed. "Hall of Fame" my ass.

 Not that throwing a baseball halfway to first base instead of anywhere near the catcher's mitt has anything to do with his eternal soul, but I have to wonder about anyone who can't throw a baseball 60'. My grandmother could still play catch, and zing the ball into my glove at age 80+, and that's no joke. Fauxci threw like a fairy, with all apologies to fairies. You can watch it >HERE. It's beautiful.

 "Oh, I'm glad I'm not gonna be Fauxci's soul in the afterlife. That is what I'd never want to be." Well, it doesn't have the same ring as the original, but that's the name of that tune. Oscar Mayer wieners being roasted by flames can be a beautiful thing, but souls...not so much. Good luck, Dr. Scumbag.