In Heaven We'll All Be Vegetarians

Did you know that up yonder in Heaven, everyone's a vegetarian? That's right. There are no meat-eaters in Heaven, which is how it should be. The Good Book says that we'll eat fruit for our meat.

 Genesis 1:29 (KJV) says: "And God said, 'Behold, I have given you every herb bearing seed, which is upon the face of all the Earth, and every tree, in the which is the fruit of a tree yielding seed; to you it shall be for meat.'" 

 It doesn't say we'll eat fruit instead of meat; it says we'll eat fruit as meat. For those in this earthly life who are vegetarians, and good on them, this doesn't apply, but for those who eat meat and might make it to Heaven, it could be a very welcome thing. 

 So, will we be picking Burgerfruit and Meat Cherries? I don't know but I reckon everything tastes good in Heaven...that is, if there is a Heaven. I'm good with that, although if they serve Indian food in Heaven I could be a vegetarian anyway, without needing fruit that tastes like meat. 

 The above photo supposedly shows Jesus' diet. I don't see any meat, which is cool, but I see dairy products and peanuts. Apparently Jesus was vegetarian but not vegan. He didn't have food allergies and wasn't lactose-intolerant. Back then there were no pesticides, hormones, GMOs and such too. Right on.

 The Good Book says that the lion will lie down with the lamb, so maybe the animals will have their own meat-flavored fruits, like Squirrelfruit and Bugfruit. It makes perfect sense that we wouldn't eat animals in Heaven, as it also does on Earth. If there really is an afterlife, and I make it to the good place, and God is real and all, then there's something I'll be looking forward to...the Lord's Supper.

 Not that an eternal soul would need to eat, but I hope that food...at least fruits, are part of the deal. It mentions supper, and you don't generally sit down to supper without eating. The Lord's Supper will be our first gathering in Heaven...sort of a meet-and-greet. Maybe it'll be a giant potluck affair, and all the people who were great cooks on Earth, like my grandmother and great-grandmother will each bring a dish or two. Just to taste their cooking again, presumably done with fruits and veggies, would truly be Heaven. I can't wait. 
 

What I'm Glad I'm Not

Waaaay back in the day there was a commercial for Oscar Mayer wieners. These kids were so into them that they formed a little parade, and sang the trademark song: "Oh, I wish I were an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I'd truly like to be. 'Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, everyone would be in love with me." The parade was led by a girl, so I guess you could say it was ahead of its time. 

 But there was one kid, seen here being scowled at by the majorette, who didn't join in. He rightly recognized that if he really were an Oscar Mayer wiener, he'd soon be history. Either way it made Oscar Mayer wieners sound quite tasty, and it was brilliant marketing. The one kid marched to his own drummer as it were. You can see the original commercial >HERE. 

 He started his own parade. He marched in the opposite direction and sang: "Oh, I'm glad I'm not an Oscar Mayer wiener. That is what I'd never want to be. "Cause if I were an Oscar Mayer wiener, there would soon be nothing left...of...me..." He trails off at the end because the girl hears him singing a different tune, and reroutes the parade to head him off at the pass, as seen here. He's forced to join the main parade. Maybe it was "predictive programming" about future censorship...who knows. Hey, I'm with you, kid. 

But you know what I really wouldn't want to be, even more than an Oscar Mayer wiener that was destined for the grill? I wouldn't want to be Dr. Fauxci's soul in the afterlife...no sir. And just as an observation, I think it's incredible that they actually commemorated his pathetic first pitch at a Nationals game, and if he's really narcissistic enough to actually have it in his collection, then he's a fucking goober. I'd be ashamed. "Hall of Fame" my ass.

 Not that throwing a baseball halfway to first base instead of anywhere near the catcher's mitt has anything to do with his eternal soul, but I have to wonder about anyone who can't throw a baseball 60'. My grandmother could still play catch, and zing the ball into my glove at age 80+, and that's no joke. Fauxci threw like a fairy, with all apologies to fairies. You can watch it >HERE. It's beautiful.

 "Oh, I'm glad I'm not gonna be Fauxci's soul in the afterlife. That is what I'd never want to be." Well, it doesn't have the same ring as the original, but that's the name of that tune. Oscar Mayer wieners being roasted by flames can be a beautiful thing, but souls...not so much. Good luck, Dr. Scumbag. 

 

Back When "1999" Seemed So Far Away...

Back around the time the song 1999 by Prince came out, we had a band called Party Hats. It was named for a certain part of the female anatomy that gets rigid when exposed to cold, or a wet t-shirt.

 We worked-up some great tunes, including 1999. We had it dicked...every note, every lick, the white noise bursts, all the harmonies and vocal inflections, the badass funkiness and groove, the apocalyptic/party atmosphere...everything. We had that shit down. 

I was dreamin' when I wrote this

Forgive me if it goes astray

When I woke up this morning

Could've sworn it was Judgement Day

Good God, y'all...what a tune. It don't get no better.

 We had a child prodigy/whiz kid named "Little Mikey" Naylor on guitar. He could play the fuck out of the guitar, and he was better looking than Doug and I put together, but we handled the rhythm section no problem. Then we had beautiful Becky, who played electronic keyboards and sang. She had the voice of an angel, and the face and body to match. As a bonus she also had a Juno-60. 

 Besides having a hoot playing the song, we used to talk about how far away the year 1999 was, and what might be happening when the turn of the century finally came about, which was over a decade yet to go. I wish I could remember what we talked about, because I know we speculated on how things might be in '99, but I remember that we all felt like it was still an eternity away. For the record, we also felt like we had the world by the balls.

 Now we're on the other side of 1999, by a decade more than we were ahead of it back then. I wonder what we'd have thought if we'd had a crystal ball...except for Y2K maybe, we'd have probably been pretty cool with most of what was going on in 1999, but if we could've seen the world today, I'm not sure we wouldn't have wanted to fill our pockets up with rocks, hold hands and jump off a bridge into the Cahaba. Not really...maybe...but this is NOTHING like the world we'd hoped we'd have. Nothing. Where'd it all go wrong? 

 
 

My Funny Dream of Heaven (rewritten)

From what I can remember I've had one dream about going to Hell, which I won't go into, and one dream of going to Heaven. The dream about Hell sucked but the one about Heaven was pretty funny. 

 There were no bright lights, angels with harps or God or Jesus for that matter, or anything else that would indicate that I was in the afterlife, but somehow I knew that I'd died and gone to Heaven, and I was cool with it. In fact I was very relieved that I'd made it to the good place. Whew. 

 The dream started out in a beautiful green meader. About 150 of us were sitting under a huge gazebo, and we were all playing acoustic guitars. Although I took some Classical guitar lessons in high school, I never got into playing popular songs. I never got good enough on the drums to practice much on other instruments. In Heaven though I suddenly knew how to play, and I wasn't bad. "Cool" I thought. 

 That was funny enough, but what made me think that we were truly in Heaven was the fact that all 150 guitars were in perfect tune with each other. That could never happen on Earth. The sound of 150 guitars all playing together in perfect harmony was glorious. I was enjoying my newfound abilities, and it was a blast playing with so many people playing together perfectly. Even Robert Fripp would be jealous. 

 Then something curious happened...out of nowhere and with no announcement we all jumped into a jaunty tune by Steely Dan called With a Gun. The sound was massive. Usually in a dream you don't question things, but I remember thinking that it was highly unlikely that we'd be playing a song about breaking one of the Ten Commandments if we were really in Heaven, and that's what probably woke me up. I had a good chuckle on that one. 

 They say in Heaven, everything takes on entirely different dimensions...colors, tastes, music, etc. Everything is magnified exponentially. I can only imagine, but it was pretty spectacular in my dream, and it seemed so real...for a minute or two anyway. If that kind of thing really happens, I have no problem with it. 

 So that's my dream of Heaven, revisited. I had a really nice acoustic, and I could play the thing. Plus there were about 149 other people playing right along with me. Like, Kumbaya, dude. It just occurred to me that there were absolutely no egos involved, and that's even more incredible that the fact that not a single one of 150 guitars ever went out of tune or broke a string. You got one guitar player...you got ego. 150? Forget it...at least in this world. But playing With a Gun by Steely Dan? That's funny.

The Worst Jokes in the World #792, 628, 739,386,286

"Juan and Amal are identical twins. Their mom only carries one baby photo though, because if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal." 
 

The "Purebloods"

There's a new term being bandied about by some people..."purebloods." It means people who never did the Hokey Pokey. Did you know that "unveed" blood is now in very high demand? Did you know that "unveed" pilots are now in high demand, with people who can afford to specify? Yep. I wonder why. 
 

#5

I was talking to my buddy Jerry last night. We were talking about some of the crazy times we've had playing music and such, and somehow the Ten Commandments came up, and how many of them we've broken. 

 Without looking at the list, we discussed the ones we could think of, and whether we'd broken them. In my case I think it's 70-30 broke. I said that for starters I'd never offed anyone. Jerry got curiously quiet. "...and I don't think you have either..." He still stayed curiously quiet. "You haven't, have you?" He said nothing, but I think he was just fucking with me. I think...

 The thing about adultery...forget it. Taking the Lord's name in vain? You can write that one off too. Thou shalt have no other gods before me? Close maybe, but I passed that one. I've never put anything above the God I believe in. Above God there is nothing. Thou shalt not covet? I think we've all broken that one, but I don't have a big desire to have a bunch of stupid shit I don't need, or to worry about things others have but I don't. 

  The one about stealing...I've broken that one, but just barely. When I was six I stole a bag of chocolate coins from Waites' Deli. I felt terrible, and I turned myself in. My folks marched my happy ass back down to the place and made me return the candy and apologize. I really was sorry. Over the years I did steal a few records from a music store, and a pair of Paiste hi-hats, but that's about it. I never, ever stole from my friends, or anywhere else. Still I flunked that Commandment. 

 Bearing false witness? Nope, I passed that one too. I've never slandered anyone. I can't say I've never said anything bad about anyone, but I've never made up lies about anybody. It's not my style, and if someone is an asshole or whatever, they'll rat-out themselves soon enough. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy? Did I remember? Yes. Did I always keep it holy? No. Flunked that one too. 

 But the one about honoring thy father and thy mother...I did that gig. I've been honoring my father and mother, and now just my mother, for the last 15 years anyway. Some people might think of me as a total loser, an imbecile and a sack of shit, but I've honored my father and my mother, and no one can take that away from me. And guess what...it's an honor to me too. Funny how that works. 

 

Using the Narrative to Support the Narrative

I just heard a guy on YT express something I've been saying for a long time, perfectly. He said that most people simply use the "Official Narrative" to support the "Official Narrative." It's so true. 

 I've mentioned someone I've known for over a quarter-century, and never did they question the "Official Narrative" even once. Considering how many times the "Official Narrative" has been proved wrong during that time, it's a given that it won't always be right going forward, yet these people keep repeating (and believing) it.

 If I'm talking to these people and I even question the "Official Narrative" in any way, instead of saying something like "I disagree," which is totally fine and can lead to an intelligent, adult conversation, or even "Hmm...why do you think that?" which can possibly lead to them learning something new, they'll say things like "No, you're mistaken," or "No, it's this" (quoting the "Official Narrative" yet again). "Well, okay then. I guess I'm always wrong." Silly me...questioning the "Official Narrative" again, even though we know it's not always true. 

 We should be able to believe the "Official Narrative." Absolutely we should, but to assume that it's always the truth, besides that being statistically-impossible anyway, assumes that they'd never lie to us with the "Official Narrative" or anything else, and if you think that's true, then may God help you. No joke. 

Again I'm NOT trying to tell someone what to believe, only what I believe, and I respect all other beliefs. The "Official Narrative" is the main source of info that we have. Whether we totally trust it 100% is up to us. I don't think it's smart or healthy, but that's just my opinion. If you want to go with it and take it as the gospel, then Rock On. If not always, good for you! Either way, have a nice day.
 

Quote of the Day

"The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence." - Charles Bukowski
 

One Main Phobia

I'm sure I've mentioned this before but I was blessed with not having very many of the typical phobias some people have, bless their hearts. I mean, I can think of things I wouldn't want to happen to me, but as far as the usual ones...fear of heights, fear of needles, fear of crowds, fear of farting in public or whatever it may be, I don't suffer from any of those. For the record I'm also not superstitious in any way, although I don't know if that's related.

 I'd say my biggest fear in general is running out of milk. When I hear about farmers being told to dump 30,000 gallons of milk down the drain it sickens me, but that's quite another story. Lately there have been "rotating shortages" of milk, especially organic. That gives me a slight case of the Heebie-Jeebies. 

 I'm into milk to a degree that's almost fucked-up I guess, and I know it's not the healthiest thing in the world to consume every day, but it's certainly not the worst. It's a little bit strange considering that until I was in my early teens I didn't like milk at all.

 I opted for "orange drink" in school instead of milk. That was a big mistake, but I just didn't like milk. Then one day I was visiting my grandmother, and she'd made an amazing chocolate cake. I remembered how many times I'd heard how well a glass of milk goes with chocolate cake, and I thought I'd give it another chance. Much to my surprise I loved it, and the rest is history.

 Not long after I started drinking it, I met a guy named Charlie when I moved to a new 'hood. He was a gymnast and wrestler, and he was into nutrition and stuff before it was cool. He told me that it's good to drink milk with a meal because the nutrient profile complements that of the food. That makes sense, although it doesn't take into account added fat and such. I do know that I crave it like a drug after a meal. 

 I probably shouldn't talk about how I like to chug it until if I took one more sip it'd freeze my throat, or how my eyes roll back in my head when I drink it...that might gross some people out. Go ahead with y'all's almond milk and soy milk and stuff...just leave them cows alone. 

 I was wondering what the Latin term for "fear of running out of milk" was, if there was one. I was hoping that Google Translate might make it into some funny word involving "phobia," but it translated to "ne de lacte." It sounds a bit like "nada lactose," which I guess is about right. "How much milk's in the fridge?" "Nada." That thought is frightening to me, so I guess I do have "ne de lacte." Who knew? 
 

Gawaga?

When my dog and I wake up in the morning, we usually have a little dialog. I'll say something like "Hey buddy! Did you get some good sleep?" He'll answer me with a yawn and a comment, except that he speaks Dog, and I don't speak fluent Dog, although I'm learning.

 Sometimes it sounds like he's trying to say funny words, and quite often he says something that sounds like "Gawaga." It happens so frequently that I've asked him, "Yo, what does 'Gawaga' mean?" but of course he won't tell me. 

 After a decade it finally dawned on me...he must be talking about Andres Galarraga, first-baseman and all-around good guy, who played for the Atlanta Braves from 1998-2000. How does he know about Andres Galarraga? Was he dreaming about him? Huh...it's a mystery. 
 

What's Changed Some Shrinks' Minds?

Not all of them are, but most Phycologists and Psychiatrists are Atheistic in their beliefs. Some of them have changed their minds though, because of something very unusual that's happened to them. You won't exactly hear it hyped-up in the news but it's happened, and it's happened often. 

 For several years I've been reading articles and watching vids about Father Vincent Lampert. He's an official exorcist, although you'd never guess unless he mentioned it. He's an interesting cat...well-spoken, funny and with a remarkably good attitude, considering his day job. He's very even-keeled, but a few of his stories would raise the hair on some of the staunchest Atheist's arms. 

 But that's not what this is totally about. In order to become an "official" exorcist, priests have to train in Rome, and they do things by the book as it were. If someone comes in complaining of demons, they don't just sit them down in a chair, grab a cross, throw holy water on them and get to excorcisin' and such...they're first evaluated by several doctors. Most cases are the result of something else, but a few can't be explained by normal means, so they're treated as actual cases of demonic possession. 

 What qualifies them as genuine cases of possession, and what also has caused quite a few of these doctors to literally fall to their knees and ask Jesus into their hearts, is compelling. Generally what happened is that these doctors would ask the patients if they could speak directly to the "demons," and almost always they said yes. The doctors were skeptical to say the least, as they should be, but what happened next scared the shit out of them. 

 After the usual introductions when meeting a demon for the first time, the "demons" began speaking directly to them, usually in low, guttural voices, typical of what we see in Hollywood movies. That's one thing, and spooky enough, but that wasn't what did the trick. The "demons" would start telling them things that only they knew...things from their childhood, things that were never mentioned in conversation or anywhere on the Web, seemingly-incidental things and even things they'd forgotten. Interesting, eh?

 Sorry, Coincidence Theorists, but it's impossible to call that coincidence. It's certainly enough to turn hardcore Atheists into believers in demons pretty quickly, and that takes some doing. Whether we believe demons are real or not, they certainly do, and they're the biggest skeptics on the planet. If you think it's just the good Father telling stories, you can look up videos for yourself, where they're talking about their experiences, and you can tell that it flipped them out.

 They're sitting in their offices, with a wall full of degrees behind them, and you can look them all up...they're all legit docs. To hear them saying that demons are real and they now believe in God and have accepted Jesus is pretty remarkable. The majority of them don't make videos, and keep their conversions private. They're also joined by more scientists than one might think, as they've seen enough evidence to believe in a Creator. You won't hear about them either on mainstream news, but they exist. 

 Even though I've been accused of it, I've NEVER tried to tell people what to believe...only what I believe, through experience and trial and error. I just try to present evidence as I find it, and if I add anything such as my opinions to it, I always make that clear. Most people simply will ignore perfectly good information if it goes against what they believe, and that's fact. Some people though will be curious enough to maybe look into it for themselves, which is how knowledge begins, and those are the people I'm presenting evidence for. 

 As time goes by, less and less people say they believe in God, and less than that many believe that the Devil is real, although I believe that could change pretty soon. You can say that this is all just coincidence, but seriously...don't you think that if you heard anyone, much less a "demon," telling you things from childhood that you'd forgotten and were unknown to anyone else, don't you think you'd at least be scratching your head? I know people who'd run out of there as fast as they could, screaming "HELP ME JESUS!" the whole way. 

 It's clear that I believe in God, and the Devil too, and it's not just because some book says so. In fact I see much more evidence of the Devil than God these days. For what it's worth, that book says that the Devil rules this world...for now, anyway, so from that standpoint it's not surprising. Then again I can look at some trees or whatever and see evidence of a Creator...MY creator. If I'm just imagining things then I am, but it's what I believe. It doesn't have to be your belief. I might look into it though. Have a nice day. 

Creating a Language

Not long ago I was talking to my buddy Sam on fb. We were going back and forth and having some laughs, and several other people had joined in. Maybe someone mentioned one of my made-up words or something, but Sam said "You created a language that we still speak to this day, even when you're not here." How cool it was to hear that.

 I never really thought about it, but I guess I did create a language of sorts, or at least injected some terminology. Ever since I was a kid I've been coming up with my own words for things, making up phrases, using different spellings, pronunciations and what have you, and after I started socializing more, especially from the restaurant and band days onward, my friends apparently picked up on some of them and incorporated them into their own speech patterns. I guess that's how it works. 

 I do know that when I see some of my old friends, certain words that I created will come out. For instance, whenever I run into Anna or Cay, I know for a fact they'll say "Hey, Figgeet!" It's etched in stone. I saw my old colleague Hank this past Xmas, and as he has for the last quarter-century, said "You Hosehead!" and I replied "You Hoser!" It will always be that way. 

 Sam or Andrew would say "Habatchee there, Figgeet," and I'd say "Habatchee" back. Whenever I see Randy or O', one of us will say "Ree..." and the other will reply "Fer." You can bet on it. If I ran into Kimberly or Elizabeth, it's 100% guaranteed they'd say "Stickeemonin!" Ha-ha, it's true. Lots of these terms came from interactions with friends, so they get credit too, but I did create a language, I guess you could say. Right on. 

 Everybody wants to leave a legacy of some kind, whether good or bad. It's certainly nothing of importance, and maybe a bit juvenile, but I suppose "creating a language" isn't a bad legacy. It gives us a laugh, and laughter is truly the best medicine, and it's a fun way to start the conversation after we haven't seen each other in a while. It's cool to know that people speak it even when I'm not around. I'm honored.