Nun-burned

Back when I had a company making organic skin-care products, I had the main lotion, and formulas for diaper rash and sunburn. I called the sunburn stuff "Noneburn." I realize it's maybe a little cheeseball, but it describes exactly what it does. It's short and sweet, and it rhymes with "sunburn." People will remember a name like that much more easily than some generic product name, cheesy or not.

 I thought it was perfect, but it absolutely bugged the shit out of my ex, which made it even better (just kidding). She said it made her think of a sunburned nun. That cracked me up. Just saying "sunburned nun" is funny. If a nun were to hit the beach and forgot the SPF-175, she could get a wicked sunburn, although only on her hands and in a circle on her face. I don't know which was funnier...the thought of a sunburned nun, or the fact that it bothered my ex so much.

 I couldn't help but think of the ancient TV show The Flying Nun, starring Sally Field. I could picture her flying around above the convent for hours, and getting burnt. I don't think she wore a bikini in The Flying Nun, but she did in Gidget. Back then I'd have loved to see her tan-line. After a day of filming and frolicking on the beach, I'm sure she got sunburned quite a few times. My lotion would've helped a lot, and I'd have gladly helped her apply it. Did I say that? Mother Mary forgive me...I'll do penance. 

 I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS. I WILL NOT THINK ABOUT SALLY FIELD'S TITS...

 "Nun burn." That's funny. I guess if you think of it that way, it's pretty gnarly, and I can see my ex's point, whether it's a bit unusual to think of that or not, but I decided that I liked it more than she hated it. I printed Noneburn labels, and sold some. It really worked incredibly-well for sunburn, and in fact it'd help a sunburned nun, on the off-chance you found one. Ha-ha-ha...maybe in honor of my ex, I could relaunch it, and make new labels with a sunburned nun, smiling into the camera...and winking. That's cold.