At first they'd ignore a Hi or a wave, but lately it's gotten to the point that if I walk out they'll immediately turn off their nice Xmas lights they've strung up all pretty and get up in a huff and go inside, again ignoring even a nod when they're both looking straight at me. It's obvious and it's weird. It's a young couple in their early 20s and they recently moved here from Florida. Id never talk about petty bullshit like this except for the reason they were acting like that.
Dude came home from his kitchen job piss-drunk. He'd gotten into it with the girl's grandfather and apparently it got really bad. When they were still acting cool they told me that her Gramps was going to move in with them "temporarily" and then find a full-time place to stay. I almost had to stifle a laugh when I heard that. Yeah, that's really gonna go smooth for y'all. None of my biz except that he he was so wasted that he was talking really loudly and I could've heard him inside. I was enjoying the night and I didn't want to go inside, and fuck them anyway. He called one of his best buds I guess because there were passionate "I love yous" toward the end of their call. He was basically blowing his top about this state.
To his credit I get Bama culture shock. I've seen it many times and made friends with people from all over the place who've moved here. They literally have a WTF look on their faces for a long time, if they last that is. It must look like black and white TV to them, and transported back in time to boot, somewhat like my third-grade photo above of my girlfriend Mary and me during recess, and again I get it. I've been lots of places and it's a culture shock to me too. I get that there's more to do in big cities and the sidewalks don't roll up at 11pm (hey, we're making progress...it used to be 9), but dude, that's your problem.
I get that compared to NYC or LA or wherever, this is even beyond Mayberry, RFD. It's not that dude doesn't have the right to bitch about things anywhere, and he did pick a shithole of a place to move to compared to most other areas of the state, but he was being a total dick about it and pretty much disrespecting every blade of grass in the State of Alabama, like it's the state's fucking fault that he hates it here. I almost moved to California decades ago and have thought about many other places but I've mainly stayed here and I don't regret it. I think it's what you do with where you are that matters anyway.
Right...a young couple moves to a completely different world; takes in Grandpappy (not that that's inherently bad), work together in the same restaurant (bad idea); he in the kitchen and she a waitress, and they get to watch each other through a little window flirting and getting hit on and shit, and mix in large amounts of alcohol? Right. Dude you're screwed but please don't blame Alabama. I don't diss Florida. It really did sound like he was blaming this state for his pissant problems. Dude...state line ain't far. He did sound like he was stuck here at least for a while, and having to still pay Florida tax and blah-blah, but you ain't stuck nowhere if you don't want to be. Not to mention being complete fucking assholes. Come on, man. I mean, Cupcake. What are they...Gen V? For "Generation Victim?" Hell yeah they are.
I did almost laugh my ass off when he was trying to convince his buddy that there was no lottery here. There isn't. No doubt he knew I was outside but either he was too drunk to care or he wanted me to hear his rant too, which wouldn't surprise me by his actions lately. And sister too. Now if she drives by me she'll look the other way. Excuse me, but I think you have a Golden Flake up your butt. Anywho, he was bitching about the liquor laws here, which granted are just antiquated and stupid as fuck, and then he said loudly, "And there's no LOTTERY here!" God that was funny and I was trying not to laugh in case he didn't know I was outside. The neighbor kid had been here for a long time and had just left. I had my laptop out showing him some bands, and it was still on, so he must have known I was there.
His bud apparently said "BULLshit" so dude went passionately into convincing him. "YES! YES! No, I'm NOT kidding. NO SHIT. YES. YES YEEEEES! NO SHIT. YES! NO! YES! N-NO. NOOO. NO, NOOOOOO, NOOOOOO, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...No man...you don't understand. NO, NOOO, NOOOOOOOOOO, NO, They don't have one! N-N-N-NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You don't live in Alabama! N-NOOO!" He went on for a minute and then he went on to list everything that's fucked-up about this state, and I get that too, but the time to do your homework is before the test. He went on to make up different disrespectful variations of the word "Alabama" and such, and was being such a loud, narcissistic prick that I had to tell myself to stay calm and that he was the asshole, not the state. Asshole.
He finally ended the tirade against everything from Blue Laws to the Yellowhammer, and ended the call with what I thought were a few too many "I Love Yous" and such. I'll tell a male friend I love him, and maybe more than once, and I'll truly mean it, but I generally don't get all gushy-poo about it. I totally get the thing about hearing the voice of an old trusted friend in times of trouble, and it's just like...well, a bridge over troubled water. I'm not trying to tell anybody how to tell somebody they love them, but all the "I love you toos" were a little thick. For good measure he said he wanted to move back in with his mom already, and then a few more I love yous. It was almost enough to make me wonder...hmm...ah, yes...you know how those doors that go from the kitchen into the dining room swing both ways?
Well his girlfriend just got back from work, and she's shitfaced and pissed too. No big surprise there but from the sound of yelling and shit it's time to go inside. I wasn't about to let some asshole chase me off the porch. I wasn't going to go all "Sweet Home Alabama" on his ass but I really wanted to. Obviously he hasn't seen any of the real beauty here, or the people, except for restaurant people, who can be from all over, and certainly not typical of the people here. It's not my problem or anyone else here's problem that they don't like their situation. Don't show your asses to me. Man, it's getting loud over there and furniture is being rammed up against walls and they're screaming at each other balls-out loud. Holy crap...that's good for the old man's ticker.
They need to hold it down. Fuck them, if it gets much louder someone might call the cops, including me. Ironically from what they told me about the old man I'd probably be friends with him by now. They said he was into herbs and things like that and they mentioned some very specific things that let me know he was the real deal, plus he was into hiking and music and a few other things I'm into. They initially were going to have me over for dinner and to meet their cats and the grandfather, and he'd have been welcome here, but they changed their minds in a big way for no other reason than I lived in a state they hated. Heck I could have babysat for them, lol.
Whatever I wish they'd get the fuck out of here. I hate asshole neighbors anyway, but if they're going to blame all their bullshit on the state, and me, they need to adjust their priorities. We'd welcome y'all with open arms, but not if you trash the place for no reason except that you can't handle your situation so you have to blame things on bad liquor laws and shit, and make up every potty-mouth variation of the state's name that you can think of. I guess you can be an asshole in any state. They wouldn't want you either. Florida's yonderways y'all. There's the door. Don't let it hit ya where the Good Lord split ya. Have a nice day, assholes.
Well, if this isn't the damnedest update to a blog post I've ever seen. After I finished writing I took my dog for a walk. We went the front way through a huge parking lot/road. We were about to walk around a big truck. There was a car coming from way off but something told me to hang back. I didn't know why but I've learned not to argue with my "Little Voice." Usually cars will give walkers a wide berth. There's plenty of room, but sure enough the car didn't move to the other side. In fact it sped up and swerved toward me at the last second and then straightened back up. WTF? It was deliberate. It was the chick. I might have known. I didn't know her drunk ass had left but it was her car, with Fla plates. She could've lost control and hurt us, and on the one damn night I forgot my phone.
Usually I take my phone with me and leave the camera pointed at the sky just in case a meteor flies by. I've already caught one. I could've filmed her ass swerving toward me and my dog and looking straight at us, and I might have thought about showing it to the cops. You don't do that shit here or anywhere else. Nupe. That's bullshit. I got back from walking and dude was standing outside in the middle of the road like he was about to get in his car, but pondering if his dumb ass was too drunk to drive. That ship had sailed several drinks ago. Her car was still running with the lights shining on him. It was a bit surreal, and illustrated perfectly a fight.
Even though they'd been totally shitty to me, I was still going to go up to them and try to take their keys. I didn't want to see them get hurt, or way worse, somebody else, even if they were assholes, but my dog knew something was wrong and he started barking, so I took him back for another spin so he, and I, could cool down. I hope Jack and Jill didn't actually try to drive anywhere as loaded as they were. If I'd been anywhere near that fried I wouldn't have even thought about driving through the parking lot here. Cops patrol this lot all the time and if there's the slightest disturbance they're literally here in ten seconds, since they're totally swarming the roads around here mostly looking for drunk drivers at 1:00 in the morning. I doubt they'd have gotten very far if they did try to drive anywhere. I guess if they'd gotten pulled over for obliterated-driving they'd blame that on the State of Alabama too. Assholes.
Sister, you'd fucking better think twice about EVER doing anything that fucking stupid again. It's one thing to disrespect my state, but if you have to do shit like that you have a serious problem, and one that isn't welcome here. You're a fucking menace and you're fucking with the wrong guy. Trust me, you are. You do that shit again and you're really going to hate this state 'cause you're going to be looking at it from inside a jail cell, and that's no joke. There's your Southern hospitality, sweetheart. "Sunshine" State my ass. Floridians go home.
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