When I moved to a new neighborhood at around 14 or 15 my first new friends of course were kids on the block. One guy's dad, Big Hal, was a wrestling promoter. He was a big, jolly, beer-drinking, cigar-chomping caracature of a person with an "I don't give a shit" look on his face. He could be a complete asshole or your best buddy, and do them both equally well. One day he invited the guys to go see a "wrestling" match. I didn't know how big it was even then. I was expecting something like glorified gym class I guess, and I was surprised to see a packed auditorium of people cheering on all these beefy, jacked-up clowns dressed in tights.
So I get there and I'm like "Check this shit out" but I got over it and settled in to watch the "match." I'm using quotes for these words because it was all complete bullshit, but nobody filled me in on that. I thought it was tutally legit at first. We were told we were going to see a wrestling match, not a bullshit wrestling match. I should've known already and maybe I was just stupid but it wasn't rreally my area of expertise, so I thought it was just wrestling. Big Hal seemed to get off on that. The first clue was that there was an obvious "good guy" and "bad guy" so right away you knew whom to cheer or jeer for. I should have figured it out from that, but I was a dumb kid so I let it slide. Fool me once...
At first it was normal wrestling-type stuff. The good guy in the white trunks would square off and make faces at the bad guy in the black trunks and then they'd lock arms and go at it. Pretty soon though they were climbing up on the ropes and jumping down on each other and shit like that. I thought maybe one guy had said something about the other guy's mama or whatever. I still didn't get it. Not only that but the guy would just lay there and let the guy jump on him. I knew he wasn't hurt. Why didn't he get up? What's the problem? Before I knew it they'd tumbled out of the ring and they were running around in the auditorium. The crowd was going wild and I didn't know what to think. Big Hal was digging on it.
Out of the blue the bad guy picked up a folding chair and hit the good guy over the head. "Hey, he can't do that!" Sure he can. I still didn't get it, and to this day I remember standing up and yelling at the ref, like everybody else. Boy was I a dumbass. But then...thank God, my moment of "bullshit clarity" arrived. I haven't been the same since. No joke. So the ref apparently heard the crowd and he went over; surely to restore order, but what did he do? He got in on the fight. What the FUUUU...oh, I see. It's all BULLSHIT. That was it. My Bullshit moment. Clarity. Blessed relief. I felt like a dumbass, but at least I'd become a semi-enlightened dumbass. I'll take that any day.
That was probably the very day that the Bullshitometer in my brain first came online. "Wow...it's pure bullshit. Wow." Yep, it was a bullshit moment alright. What I couldn't grasp at first is why everyone didn't get up en masse and demand their money back. I was so naive I thought we'd all discovered the bullshit together. That was another layer I had to crack. In doing so I got a much bigger shock that seeing a guy get bashed over the head with a folding chair. Not only did all these people not care that it was bullshit, they demanded it. They kept cheering and booing like it was real while I sank down in my chair feeling stupid and a little bit betrayed. At least Big Hal comped our tickets.
It was all bullshit...but people didn't care. It's one thing to be entertained by bullshit and I get that, but to act as if it's real is something else. Maybe it's just a matter of getting your money's worth, but I doubt it. We're a sideshow nation. It has to be entertainment, whether it's politics, music, the local news and weather, sports and even science (SCIENCE). What is it...style over substance? Is it just a matter of suspending one's beliefs, like watching a movie? Maybe so. Is it bullshit? I think it's bullshit, but what do I know? It's about sad as fuck but I really think that to this day, that's the biggest crowd I've ever seen in my life in this town all going apeshit at once, especially over bullshit. Paying good money to watch bullshit, and acting like it's real was new to me. I remember looking at some of the "wrestling" fans and it was unnerving. I thought a few of them were going to pop a vein and keel over. Now that would've been entertainment.
Sadder but wiser I guess. It was just another piece of the pozzle but I'm grateful for the experience. Oh, and I forgot to mention the blood. Apparently they used fake blood at first but when it looked too fake, some of them would carry concealed razors and actually cut themselves. That isn't a good thing, but I doubt any of them felt a thing. Besides natural adrenaline and endorphins, God only knows what they were popping, injecting and/or snorting, but back in those days especially it was a given. I'd be really surprised if a single one of those fools was still alive 25 years ago. I found out about the blood because I asked. I was uneasy with the idea. Big Hal tried to perpetuate the myth but I called him on it and I was filled in to some extent. Cutting is a pretty serious thing to do just to enhance bullshit. Uh-oh...does that mean that people are inherently bloodthirsty, as some say and is evidenced by history? Yikes.
In hindsight that was a bullshit milestone. In retrospect I think my Bullshitometer was already working by then but it definitely got a serious upgrade that day. I've made several imaginary upgrades to my Bullshitometer over the years. I've improved the power supply and recapped it. I added an imaginary mute button for times like right now when it goes off every five minutes, plus new MOSFETs and new filters to reject repeating bullshit that falls into the same categories. My Bullshitometer isn't perfect but it's state-of-the-art component-wise.
It's a trip to have a switch in your head just flipped like that. I went from thinking I was going to see some guys getting pinned while the ref counts them out, to realizing that the whole fucking thing was bullshit, and that people couldn't get enough of it. I wonder what those fuckers are into now...at least if they didn't pop a vein. I guess if they're alive they probably watch WWE or whatever it is. I suppose they'e still way into the bullshit. I get the fantasy trip, but the truth is so much cooler, and the truth is absolutely stranger than fiction. Most people don't have a clue how true that is. Screw brilliance, right? Baffle 'em with bullshit. It's the way of the world. We're a sideshow nation all day long. Step right up!
No comments:
Post a Comment