The Worst Jokes in the World #43,738, 793,279

So these two missionaries volunteer to go deep into the most remote and feared part of the jungle to stay with a tribe of headhunters. An uneasy alliance is formed with the elders. The tension is high, and the faint sound of drums in the distance only makes things worse. The drums start quietly but then they get louder and closer and build to a crescendo. One of them finally speaks. "Bad" said the elder. "What's bad?" said the missionary. "Bad...very bad" he repeated. "Drums..." he said. "Yes, drums. What else?" said the missionary. "Only means one thing." "What, man, WHAT?" said the missionary. "Bass solo!"

River

I couldn't guess how many times I've been to the Cahaba River since I started going as a kid, and even so when I see images like these I'm speechless. It's no wonder I come here. I'm very blessed.

Bad Jokes Coming True

NOTICE: This is NOT hate speech against the Chinese people or any volcanic activity. I hope we're clear on this. Thanks, lol.
 It was around ten years ago when I first "joked" about this in another blog. I'd been reading about the trade deficit and all the other stuff going on with China. I joked that pretty soon we'd have to change "USA" to "USA, XRoC." That's short for "Extension of the Republic of China." I was joking that the US would become a subsidiary of China and would have to change the name.
 Fast-forward a decade, and what do you know...so much has been done to try to equalize the imbalance, only without using actual money. All I can say is it is what it is. To try to illustrate the point would sound like fiction to most people; especially since when they hear something that's a bit out of their wheelhouse, they'll spend the next two minutes calling the source crazy and saying it must be wrong without any evidence whatsoever, rather than taking that same two minutes and looking it up for themselves, but most people think that their opinions somehow magically outweigh facts. That's just how things are. Apparently that is what it is too.
 Put it this way...although it's not on display yet, technically there's a new plaque for this iconic feature; one that's recognized worldwide as a major symbol of America. It reads: 老忠实. Have a nice day. :)

Quote of the Day

"Tom Waits for no one." - Dr. Octafer

A Happy Ending

We know for a fact that at least ten (10) trillion dollars has up and gone missing from the budget over the last couple of decades or so. That's a lot of scratch. That's $10,000,000,000,000. That kind of dough will buy a lot of toys...cool toys...big-boy toys...stuff that ain't on the market. People have speculated on how that kind of money could've ever been misplaced to begin with; not to mention whereTF it went. I know. Thing is the beneficiaries wish to remain quiet about this, and understandably so. I've agreed to keep their identity private in exchange for being able to tell the story.
 What happened was somebody stashed it inside a brand-new Beautyrest in a spare bedroom and forgot all about it. A few years later they decided to remodel the house and donated the mattress to Goodwill...box springs and all. A young couple, who were struggling a bit but very much in love and about to start a family, happened by the Goodwill store and purchased the Beautyrest for a song. They got it home and as they were putting the fitted sheet on they noticed a big lump, and there it was- ten trillion dollars in cash. They couldn't believe their good fortune. They lived happily everafter. THE END.

They Thought of Everything

Okay I get it. People who simply make observaions about things that don't add up or that are the opposite of what they're meant to be are automatically called crazy, and without benefit of any investigation, and I suppose it also sounds crazy to say that it's by design, but that's how it is. Things sneak in that seem innocuous at first, but little by little you begin to understand the purpose.
 Remember when being "politically correct" was just a phrase? We joked about it. "Uh-oh, I'm not being 'PC' ha ha." You remember. Okay flash forward to now. How many times have you started to make a comment on Funkbook or somewhere and stopped yourself; for fear of " offending" someone or saying the "wrong" thing? You've probably done it 100 times by now. I know I have. "Nope...can't say this. Can't say that. I'd better rephrase this." There you have it...PC come to life. Do I sound like a lunatic? I suppose so. Oh, and BTW what I'm saying here will probably be tagged as "hate speech." That's funny considering that I don't even hate people whom I absolutely know hate me. I don't have the energy to waste on hate. I never have and I never will. Hate will eat you alive from the inside out. Google it, Dylan.
 This "report abuse" link started popping up a year or two ago on websites, YouTube channels and such, and now it's everywhere. The owners of these sites didn't place it there: it's just there. They'd have no need for it. Any "abuse" on any site is just digital. If some asshole makes a nasty comment on your YouTube channel for instance, you can block them with one click. Same with any website. It's no big deal. But now, those same assholes can simply click the 'report abuse' link and it counts as a strike. It doesn't even have to be legit, and most times it's not. See how this shit works?
 For most people who even noticed it; even someone who's somewhat observant and can see 5' past their smart screens, it seemed at first like something to ignore. At first I thought it was a good thing. If someone was having problems they could report it. I didn't realize that it would be kept track of, and logged as a mark against the site. Here's the kicker: It's  pretty much a 100% a lopsided deal. Alls the trolls have to do is click the link and say "I'm offended" or "This is hate speech," and that's it. There's not even a casual look into it; much less a proper investigation to see if the claim is legit. It's almost automatic. The complaintant is always right. The channel owner can file a rebuttal, but the process ties things up and frustrates them and wastes time, which is the point, and in the end they often lose. Three strikes and you're out. Just like baseball.
 The upshot is that a YouTube channel, and more recently websites, can be shut down in a matter of minutes, and 99.9% of the time it's totally bogus. People work very hard for years developing their websites or channels, and BOOM, they're gone. Ostensibly what this link was supposed to be used for was to stop abuse on YouTube channels and websites, but what it's really used for is to stop certain people for saying things that certain people don't want them to say. It's fact, and all data relating to it is available for public view. This is not a "conspiracy theory." It's fact, Jack. Are you beginning to get the picture? As Mag would say: "Wake yo' ass up." I second that. Get ready to say goodbye to a shitload of truly informative, entertaining, and badass sites. They'll disappear with one click. And we're letting it happen. That's the sad part. Well, see ya. I have to go the store now. I'm out of Reynolds Wrap. Have a nice day. Oh, before I go...there's that eyeball thing again. Imagine that. Right in front of your face. Peace.

Targeted Adverising

Wel, well...looky here. I just published a post about Lando Calrissian being poly, and when I went to YouTube this ad was waiting for me. Nah...they don't keep track of every single thing you do, say, text, post, or now, even think. Oh, yes. That's here.
 I was talking to a friend Monday and I was telling him why I'm not on the Facebook. He said something to the effect of "I bet if you were selling your stuff you'd have a page." I said that I probably would, and I was telling him about Shopify or something where they have special platforms for selling on Facebook. That evening I counted no less than six different companies with platforms. Ain't that some shit?
 Why would they want SO DAMN MUCH INFORMATION on everyone? I'll leave it to you to do your own research, which you probably will never do, but I can tell you that advertising is just the tip of the evil iceberg. Light is being shown on darkness as we speak. You'll see. I just hope it's in time. Look at that shit...Calrissian is looking longingly at whom I presume to be Han Solo. Oh, well...he's "poly." It's "normal."
 Just for a test, let's see what happens. Donuts. Yo, I LOVE DONUTS. Bet I'll see a Krispy Kreme ad. I bet dollars to donuts.

"Polysexual"

So it's recently come out the the character of Lando Calrissian from Star Wars is "polysexual." That's a word you're going to be hearing a lot from now on, and you can take that to the bank. Most people understand what it means but for those who don't, it means basically that you'll fuck anything that moves or even doesn't move. As long as you get your rocks off it doesn't matter if it's animal, mineral or vegetable. That says a lot about some people. Say what you will, but how we've been preserved as a species so far is by the normal means, and our original purpose on this planet...to start a family and have kids; not to fuck anything with an orifice. It's really not all that complicated.
 Not only are they promoting the idea that he's polysexual, they're also making it retroactive as it were, so that we know he was this way since day one and the first movie. What could we infer from this? Well, if Star Wars had been an X-rated movie, then the first thing we'd have seen would've been Calrissian doing the princess. That'd be just to get things rolling in more or less a normal matter and to ease us into it. If he'd just gotten a boner for Darth Vader right off the bat it'd have been too much to swallow, so we'd have had to have been eased into it. Once it was established that he sort of was into women, at least when that was all he could score, that'd establish a bit of "normalcy" and then it'd be off to the races.
 Next of course he'd be after Luke. Luke was already having "father" issues so he'd probably have been an easy target. He'd have been like "Yeah, I gotta hit that." After he plooked Luke he'd have been ready for a little Han job. He'd be climbing the corporate ladder so to speak. If you're getting grossed-out by this, welcome to the club, but this is exactly what "polysexual" means. So he'd be doing a duo with Solo. What else are they going to do between fighting off Death Stars and whatnot? They're going to get into a little pokey-strokey, as my friend Douggie Dang would say. Pretty soon though he'd have grown tired of Han. That only left the Wookie and the droids. Now we're talking!
 I just can't let my imagination wander much further because I'm feeling a bit queasy, but you can use your own imagination if you like. Or not, but there you have it. The idea is that it's perfectly okay to cop a nut any old way you want...if it's your wife or your neighbor's wife or your neighbor's dog or even their VW Bug. It's all about YOU and your own gratification, and screw everything else. Ha, I guess that was a Freudian slip but that about sums it up. I guess in this anything-goes world, most people are perfectly okay with the idea, and to them I'd say "Good luck with your future," if not "Get right with God," but in reality it's sick as fuck. We can choose, but think about it...is this who we are? Really?

You Can't Get Away from It

I was going to do a post about eyesight but this caught my eye instead. Shit's everywhere nowadays. I wanted to make sure I had something about retinol right, and the first site I saw was called everygirl.com. My thoughts flashed to some hot, healthy babe with maybe just a touch of the "Grateful Dead" thing going on, but instead it was basically a corporate site. It was all slick and pro-shot and basically an advertisement for upscale "beauty" products. Oh, and the last thing I thought before I clicked the link was "At least I probably won't see any Illuminati bullshit for once." Wrong. There you go. First site, first pic.
 There it is...the one-eye symbolism. Every damn one of them does it. They have to. This woman (?) went out of her way to pull her hair over her eye. It's no accident, and it's no fashion trend. It shows where their true alliegence lies. They have no choice at all. It's right in front of your face. Wake up.

Spelling Bee of the Day

I recently discovered a couple of drum companies I've fallen in love with, which, with all the people making incredible drums these days and me being a bitter, jaded old fuck, is saying a lot. The two companies couldn't be more different in materials, philosophies and such, as their locations, one in Germany and one right here in my neighborhood over in Georgia.
 I'll probably do a "boring drummer" post about these companies at some point, and I think their scenes would be interesting even to non-drummers. I can't say "non-musicians" here. It's drummer, not musician. Besides being totally badass drum companies, one guy did a treatment on one of his drums that flipped me out because it's exactly what I did in high school, and I never thought of anyone else doing it. But this is just a quick comment on the youth of today. They're our future, you know.
 I was checking out some vids of some of the kits and snare drums and there was one with what appeared to be a very young enorser. I clicked on it and sure enough the guy couldn't have been too much older than legal drinking age. He plays in a Country band that rocks pretty good and is also apparently very popular, but I was surprised at how big the crowd was at a show in part of the vid. That must be the norm. Those drums aren't cheap.
 He was talking about how much abuse they'd withstood on the road and still looked new. He was definitely pounding the shit out of those things in the video. They showed sort of an outtake or a blooper deal that was supposed to be funny. Apparently he'd said something abou the drums being able to support an elephant. The clip started with him looking embarrassed at not being able to spell the word. I was a little embarrassed too. "How do you spell 'elephant?'" he said, and the camera stayed on him for thirty seconds or so as he sat there like a dumbass trying to spell elephant. It was rough. Then he quipped "I dropped out of college for a reason." Wow. I thought you learned how to spell elephant in elementary school.

Quote of the Day

"Nobody has sold America witchcraft as well as Walt Disney." - Sheila Zilinsky

Spoiler Alert

The Daily Bullshit: Early Bullshit

Lately I've been reminiscing about some things...not as in "the good ol' days" but looking back on things that helped lay the foundation early in life for me to be able to wake up and see through the bullshit later in life, which is now. There's an old saying that goes "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, bafffle them with bullshit." No truer words were ever spoken. It's a million times easier to bullshit someone than to tell the truth, and in fact, many people actually prefer bullshit, because by the same token it's usually much easier to handle than the truth. A bullshit cocoon if you will. The truth hurts they also say. True that.
 When I moved to a new neighborhood at around 14 or 15 my first new friends of course were kids on the block. One guy's dad, Big Hal, was a wrestling promoter. He was a big, jolly, beer-drinking, cigar-chomping caracature of a person with an "I don't give a shit" look on his face. He could be a complete asshole or your best buddy, and do them both equally well. One day he invited the guys to go see a "wrestling" match. I didn't know how big it was even then. I was expecting something like glorified gym class I guess, and I was surprised to see a packed auditorium of people cheering on all these beefy, jacked-up clowns dressed in tights.
 So I get there and I'm like "Check this shit out" but I got over it and settled in to watch the "match." I'm using quotes for these words because it was all complete bullshit, but nobody filled me in on that. I thought it was tutally legit at first. We were told we were going to see a wrestling match, not a bullshit wrestling match. I should've known already and maybe I was just stupid but it wasn't rreally my area of expertise, so I thought it was just wrestling. Big Hal seemed to get off on that. The first clue was that there was an obvious "good guy" and "bad guy" so right away you knew whom to cheer or jeer for. I should have figured it out from that, but I was a dumb kid so I let it slide. Fool me once...
 At first it was normal wrestling-type stuff. The good guy in the white trunks would square off and make faces at the bad guy in the black trunks and then they'd lock arms and go at it. Pretty soon though they were climbing up on the ropes and jumping down on each other and shit like that. I thought maybe one guy had said something about the other guy's mama or whatever. I still didn't get it. Not only that but the guy would just lay there and let the guy jump on him. I knew he wasn't hurt. Why didn't he get up? What's the problem? Before I knew it they'd tumbled out of the ring and they were running around in the auditorium. The crowd was going wild and I didn't know what to think. Big Hal was digging on it.
 Out of the blue the bad guy picked up a folding chair and hit the good guy over the head. "Hey, he can't do that!" Sure he can. I still didn't get it, and to this day I remember standing up and yelling at the ref, like everybody else. Boy was I a dumbass. But then...thank God, my moment of "bullshit clarity" arrived. I haven't been the same since. No joke. So the ref apparently heard the crowd and he went over; surely to restore order, but what did he do? He got in on the fight. What the FUUUU...oh, I see. It's all BULLSHIT. That was it. My Bullshit moment. Clarity. Blessed relief. I felt like a dumbass, but at least I'd become a semi-enlightened dumbass. I'll take that any day.
 That was probably the very day that the Bullshitometer in my brain first came online. "Wow...it's pure bullshit. Wow." Yep, it was a bullshit moment alright. What I couldn't grasp at first is why everyone didn't get up en masse and demand their money back. I was so naive I thought we'd all discovered the bullshit together. That was another layer I had to crack. In doing so I got a much bigger shock that seeing a guy get bashed over the head with a folding chair. Not only did all these people not care that it was bullshit, they demanded it. They kept cheering and booing like it was real while I sank down in my chair feeling stupid and a little bit betrayed. At least Big Hal comped our tickets.
 It was all bullshit...but people didn't care. It's one thing to be entertained by bullshit and I get that, but to act as if it's real is something else. Maybe it's just a matter of getting your money's worth, but I doubt it. We're a sideshow nation. It has to be entertainment, whether it's politics, music, the local news and weather, sports and even science (SCIENCE). What is it...style over substance? Is it just a matter of suspending one's beliefs, like watching a movie? Maybe so. Is it bullshit? I think it's bullshit, but what do I know? It's about sad as fuck but I really think that to this day, that's the biggest crowd I've ever seen in my life in this town all going apeshit at once, especially over bullshit. Paying good money to watch bullshit, and acting like it's real was new to me. I remember looking at some of the "wrestling" fans and it was unnerving. I thought a few of them were going to pop a vein and keel over. Now that would've been entertainment.
 Sadder but wiser I guess. It was just another piece of the pozzle but I'm grateful for the experience. Oh, and I forgot to mention the blood. Apparently they used fake blood at first but when it looked too fake, some of them would carry concealed razors and actually cut themselves. That isn't a good thing, but I doubt any of them felt a thing. Besides natural adrenaline and endorphins, God only knows what they were popping, injecting and/or snorting, but back in those days especially it was a given. I'd be really surprised if a single one of those fools was still alive 25 years ago. I found out about the blood because I asked. I was uneasy with the idea. Big Hal tried to perpetuate the myth but I called him on it and I was filled in to some extent. Cutting is a pretty serious thing to do just to enhance bullshit. Uh-oh...does that mean that people are inherently bloodthirsty, as some say and is evidenced by history? Yikes.
 In hindsight that was a bullshit milestone. In retrospect I think my Bullshitometer was already working by then but it definitely got a serious upgrade that day. I've made several imaginary upgrades to my Bullshitometer over the years. I've improved the power supply and recapped it. I added an imaginary mute button for times like right now when it goes off every five minutes, plus new MOSFETs and new filters to reject repeating bullshit that falls into the same categories. My Bullshitometer isn't perfect but it's state-of-the-art component-wise.
 It's a trip to have a switch in your head just flipped like that. I went from thinking I was going to see some guys getting pinned while the ref counts them out, to realizing that the whole fucking thing was bullshit, and that people couldn't get enough of it. I wonder what those fuckers are into now...at least if they didn't pop a vein. I guess if they're alive they probably watch WWE or whatever it is. I suppose they'e still way into the bullshit. I get the fantasy trip, but the truth is so much cooler, and the truth is absolutely stranger than fiction. Most people don't have a clue how true that is. Screw brilliance, right? Baffle 'em with bullshit. It's the way of the world. We're a sideshow nation all day long. Step right up!

Observations: To Medicate or not to Medicate...That is the Question

From the time I was a kid and barely old enough to know what I was observing, I've noticed that the happiest, healthiest people I know are the ones who are the least medicated, and the saddest, sickest people are the ones who are heavily medicated. Anyone want to disagree? Besides the pharmaceutical companies that is? Anyone? Prove me wrong. You can't. End of story. Wake up.