The Humble Bandana (It Could Even Get You Laid)

[ ]Ah, the humble bandana. Actually it's only humble until you need it. One thing that's been nearly 100%-consistent with me since I was a kid is that I always have a bandana in my pocket. The three biggest words in life are: "You never know." You never know when a bandana might come in handy, but it's really nice to have one when you need it. Mostly it just sits, flat, folded and unobtrusive in my pocket, like potential energy compared to kinectic. You whip that baby out and unfold it and it has power, man. I'm telling you. As a bonus, if you want to make a good impression or if you're in a hurry, with a tad of practice you can pull it out, grab the very corner and crack it like a whip, all in one motion, and it unfolds in all its glory in half a second. It's kinda badass really. [ ]The bandana has many uses. I couldn't count all the ways but I've used a bandana as a sweatband, doorag, bandage, temporary rucksack, window de-fogger, cat shit cleaner-upper (I generally replace it after that particular use), tourniquete, nose-blower, spill-mopper, trail marker, necktie, neck cooler, water filter, attention-getter, sponge, rope, mask...the list goes on and on. Heck, it's a 100%-cotton multi-tool. And yes...it's even gotten me laid, at least twice that I can recall. I got to be friends with a kid who was my neighbor for a while. We bonded over music, and we still talk and hang when he's over this way. He saw my bandana one day and asked about it. I'd just bought a dozen for cheap on Amazon and run them through the wash a couple of times to get out the starch and whatever other Chinese bullshit chemicals and shit might be in the fabric, and I gave him a few. He seemed glad to get them and it was cool for me to pass along a tradition. He's a great kid. I say kid...he's 22. When you call an adult a kid I guess it means you're old. [ ]I laid the rap on him about how you might never need it 364 days out of the year but that one day that you do you'll be glad you have it. I'm sort of a "father figure" to him, as it were. I told him all the things he could use a bandana for, and I ended up with "...and it's even gotten me laid." "Seriously man?" "Yep." Of course he had to hear about that. It's no biggie really...people get laid for lighting someone's cigarette or just saying hello, but being able to rescue a damsel in distress was one of the bandana's greatest uses. Speaking of lighting a cig, I don't know how it is these days because I don't get around much any more, but back in the day, "Got a light?" often translated as "Wanna screw?" Anyway at least twice, once at a bar and once at a party, having a bandana ended up getting me laid. [ ]Say you're at a bar and you're chatting up Betty. Some wasted clown bumps into Betty and she spills her drink down her shirt. What's better...to say "Hang on" and run to the bar and try to get a bar towel, or worse, grab a stack of napkins and leave her standing there wiping herself off, or whip out your bandana in two seconds, right on the spot? That's right...the bandana thing is much better. You become Robogentleman, and try not to look as she thanks you and smiles as she wipes her shirt with your nice warm bandana that's been kept at body-temp. Isn't that great? What happens from that point depends on the winds of fate, or maybe how drunk she is, but in any case it's about the best ice-breaker I know, but it's random...and that's why you carry a bandana even when you don't need it. [ ]I've also found that occasionally if you're wearing your shirt tucked-in, a gal will notice the bandana in your pocket, and sometimes ask about it or maybe even tug on it. Occasionally it means she wants to tug on something else, if you get my drift (gale-force wind-gust actually), and I know you do. It's a great way for someone who may be interested in you but too shy to approach you otherwise, to find an in. It's an all-American thing. It's mom and apple pie. It's familiar and comforting. It's a bandana. I love having one. I love not thinking about it but knowing it's there. Get one and put it in your pocket, and never leave home without it. One day you'll be glad you did.