Bad Band Jokes: "Herbal-Porn"

[ ]From the early days of playing in Generic Band on, I loved to get all geeked-up for gigs. Sometimes I liked to get jaw-grindingly high, and I turned every person in nearly every band I played in on to my habit, and they got hooked too. Was I into blow? Hell no. I hate that shit...always have and always will. Meth? Fuck no. To this day I've never even seen any in person. Speaking of blow, many times people who saw me play were certain I was doing blow, and would always be shocked when I'd turn them down, and anyone who'd turn down free coke really doesn't like it. Kids at frat parties would get offended, because they actually were doing it, and felt snubbed when I declined, as if I were thumbing my nose at the quality of their product. They'd always say "No, man...this stuff is REALLY good." My stock reply every time was "I don't do that shit, and neither should you." With weed of course it was a different story, and not just because I loved weed and hated coke. "Weed" people were much more on my wavelength. "Coke" people usually gave me the heebie-jeebies. [ ]So what was it that made people certain that I was doing drugs, and yeilding the same effects? Herbs, man. Herbs, plus roots, berries, flowers, along with vitamins, minerals, supplements and such. I'd come up with various formulas that could give you energy, boost your immune system, elevate your mood or knock you out cold, and we all took advantage of that stuff. O' and I were in Generic Band and Bud Greene and we were already doing that stuff so the other guys joined-in pretty quickly. They loved it. It really worked. I had a basic plan and a "special occasion" plan. We really got into it a bit more in the Generic days, mainly because we did all this crazy music like Zappa, King Crimson and Devo, plus these insane, intricate original compositions in 13/8 and stuff like that, and it took lots of energy and concentration to pull that stuff off and do it justice, which we did. { ]My formula included nutrition. You're amped-up and ramped-up from playing music anyway, and when you add to that load you should add nutrients and vitamins to support the body when it's in "gig mode." I found the perfect vitamin formula. I think they still make it and I think the name was "Nature-Made," but I do remember it came with a money-back guarantee and it shouted from the package in big letters: "GUARANTEED BURST OF ENERGY!" They really worked too, and I usually only took two at a time. They had a wide range of vitamins and minerals, plus things like wheatgrass and alfalfa, and I thunk even Spirulina, plus some herbs I'm pretty sure, and I could tell a big difference if I was out of them. Drinking lots of water was on the menu too. [ ]The thing we took most often, until it was banned anyway, was an herb called "Ma Huang." Here we pronounce it like "Mah Whahng." There was a brand called "Chi Power" that came in a three-pack of capsules. Along with everything else, two was usually plenty, or occasionally three if it was a special occasion or if we'd played until 3am, packed up our shit and then driven 250 miles that morning, which we did a lot. As to why it was banned (it's now back on the market), the Latin name, Ephedra sinica, might give you a clue. Basically it's herbal speed. I didn't know as much about it as I do now but I knew it rasied your heartbeat, which isn't always a good thing, but our heartrates were elevated anyway, and the difference wasn't but a few BPMs, and not like your heart was beating out of your chest or anything like that. If it had been I wouldn't have taken it, much less put my friends at risk. The Chi Power came in cellophane with a blue label, and I think it was 99 cants. I used to buy it by the box and save another 50%. I kept everything in my "medicine bag," which was one of those familiar and handy purple Crown-Royal bags. [ ]The Ma Huang worked for everybody, as did the mega-vitamin blend. They were fun. In addition to the energy boost there was a boost in mood too. That stuff was fun. That was the standard formula, and was more than enough in terms of effectiveness, but especially in the Generic Band we took some extra things for special occasions. They were a lot more expensive than the vitamins and Chi Power, but they took things to yet another level, and the effects started to resemble those of actual drug use. In fact part of the fun of it was being able to get really high...a fun, "up," let-it-rip buzz that rivaled anything drugs could do, only it was natural, and legal, not to mention about 1/50th of the cost. It wouldn't keep you awake for ten days straight, taking apart and putting back together a toaster, and there wasn't any crash at all, which was really the best part. For one thing it wasn't chemicals, and the vitamins minerals and such replaced depleted ones in the body. As high as we might fly, and most times stay up enjoying the company and whatnot until sunrise, you could always sleep like a baby the next morning. [ ]There was B-12 in the vitamin blend already but for a while we got into B-12 "poppers" as we called them. It was liquid B-12 in the vivid red color like the injectable form, with gel or glycerine or something that made it thicker so it wouldn't drip out of your nose. Speaking of nose, it was meant to be taken in through the nose. It came in tiny plastic tubes that contained a few CCs of liquid. You'd break off the tip and snort it for all you were worth. They were expensive and hard to find sometimes and we wanted to get every molecule out of the tubes, so we snorted those things so hard we'd be leaned all the way up and up on our tiptoes. It's quite possible that some of the kids heard us snorting to high heaven and thought we were doing the real thing. People might not think that a vitamin could get you high, but B-12 is an exception, especially when injected. Ask anyone who's ever gotten a B-12 shot- it's both an enery boost and a serious mood-elevator, and it lasts a long time. It's a serious buzz. Snorting it isn't quite as intense but it's pretty close, as there's lots of blood vessels in the nose and it goes straight to the bloodstream. It's a rush (said Limbaugh). And it's good for you. [ ]Then there was this stuff called Rocket Fuel. It was a brown liquid that came in a dropper bottle. I don't remember what all was in it but it had three kinds of Ginseng. Ginseng has been used for centuries to boost energy and mood, among many other things. It's a blood tonic. It stimulates blood flow and it works with the kiver and kidneys to help purify the blood. It looked and tasted like maybe strong rootbeer or Sassafrass exteact. Sometimes we'd put it in our beer. There was a product called Energy Now. They had different blends with Gotu Kola and stuff, and some had Ma Huang. It worked fine but wasn't as potent. I'd keep those around for when I was running out of the other stuff. [ ]The most savage compound we ever took was "Raw A." One day Randy and I were in a health-food store, checking out the herbal-energy things and hoping to maybe find the next big thing, and boy, did we. I noticed a bottle marked "Raw Adrenal." I thought "WTF" and picked it up. It was actual adrenaline, harvested from the adrenal glands of sheep, after they've been turned into sweaters and lamb chops. It sounded like something out of "Fear and Loathing." We looked at each other and grinned. It was a little pricey but we knew we had to try it. Dang...it was raw alright. I don't think it was quite as strong as human Adrenaline but it was some shit. A true Adreneline buzz is a thing to behold. [ ]I've only had one full-blown Adrenaline buzz, back in high school. My grandmother had just given me her old Plymough Belvedere. It was an awesome car, but the tires were as bald as some white dudes' heads these days. It was raining, and I was headed down a steep hill that bottomed-out and went straight back up. A car came toward me half in my lane and I had to swerve. It was all in slow-motion, literally. I was only going probably 15mph tops, but when the car started to slide it was all over. It slowly approached a 1'-thick concrete post tied with cables, which I thought would stop me, but the car was so heavy it just rolled over it like nothing, pulling two other posts out with it. There was a sheer cliff, a straight drop-off for maybe 15-20' and still steeply downhill below that, and I rolled the Belvey straight down it. [ ]It tumbled about three times and landed with the driver's-side window up. I was unhurt, but then I saw smoke pouring from under the hood. Although I knew it probably wasn't going to blow up, my reptile brain took over, and movie scenes flashed in my head...car goes over cliff...car blows up...and King Adrenaline kicked-in. I put my foot on the steering wheel and climed out the window. I scurried up a hill and a straight-up cliff in about three seconds, in the rain, cliff slick as owl shit, and I'm not joking. When I got to the top my arms and legs were still windmilling, and I litterally shot a foot or two off the ground, just like a cartoon character. It was wild. I stood there breathing through my teeth like a geeked-out psycho, holding my arms out like a monkey and looking down at the poor Belvey, with just a wisp of smoke coming from under the hood. Oh, well...better to be safe than sorry, and at least I can say I know what a true Adrenaline buzz is. I have zero doubt I could've lifted that heavy-ass car if I'd needed to. I was so high that instead of going to a neighbor to call the cops and the parental units, I walked home, a mile or so and uphill, just to come down a peg just to be able to vibrate in the same realm as everyone else, who weren't geeked on Adrenaline. I seriously doubt any pill could do that but I could be wrong, and I never want to find out. That was a heavy experience. [ ]I remember the first time we took that shit on a gig, as usual we figured we'd need to take three times the recommended dose, which with this particular substance, was there for a reason. All I can really remember about that night without taxing my brain too much was feeling like Animal from the Muppets and throwing my head back with my eyes bugging out, and probably having to stop myself from howling through the roof at the Moon, and feeling a bit like the creature that John Hurt turned into in the movie "Altered States." No wonder people thought we did coke. Speaking of Dummy Dust, you could snort enough blow to stop your heart before you could get that high. Give me Mother Nature's recipies any day. We had to laugh at how fun it was, and without the side-effects, or cost, of what I call "stupid drugs." [ ]I can't imagine ever wanting to, or having to pay for, a high like that with drugs. Adrenaline is a natural feel-good chemical, at least for the first few hours. Long-term, like with a methhead or whatever, it's toxic as fuck to the body but that's another story. We even checked our heartrates, elevated some anyway, and they were maybe 7BPMs faster...no big deal considering we were flying. Adrenaline also causes a huge release of endorphins, the body's natural painkillers, since normally Adrenaline signals fight-or-flight and possible pain, and that's an intense high in itself. Every part of your brain and body are working in harmony and at nearly full-bore, and if you tried to ramp it up much more you'd crash and burn. We never took it often, only at selected gigs. I remember one gig in Generic Band at a huge Toga party, where we all got hooted-up on Raw-A, Chi Power, snortable B-12 and of course the Guaranteed-Burst-of-Energy vitamins, and God only knows what else, and I left with an extra-fine "Togaesse," and there was another (from Sylacauga no less) waiting for me back at the Rosser Hotel. Double the herbs and stuff...double the fun? Maybe. [ ]So I said all this to tell the joke. First I have to say...you know what makes a great band? Talent? It helps. A PA system? It's been known to happen. Great songs? Sure. But it's the ability to keep yourselves occupied in a positive way whan you're faced with "Hurry-Up-and-Wait Syndrome." Some bands resort to drugs or alcohol or fighting onstage, but a good band will do things like smoke reefer (reefer is okay) or shoot fireworks or rehearse vocal parts or write songs or make up stupid little skits...whatever it takes to pass the time before the gig without being wasted by the time you hit the stage. O' and I made up a stupid scene from an imaginary Oriental porn movie, based on a couple of the herbal ingredients. "Dong Quai" and "Ma Huang" sound funny to begin with, but we translated them into someone speaking English but with a heavy accent. [ ]"Dong Quai" sounded like "Don't cry," and "Ma Huang," pronounced "Mah-whahng" should be self-explanatory. In our movie there was a beautiful Oriental babe giving some guy a hummer. For the visuals we'd mimic a bj, complete with tongue-in-cheek. She'd be going to town on the guy but for some reason she'd start to cry. The guy would say "Dong Quai...it's just Ma Huang!" Then we'd laugh. It's still funny now. Yes I realize we were sickos, but that's as bad as we ever got. I'm having the most intense feeling of Deja-Vu right now, as if I've typed every word before, peck by peck. It's intense, and I very rarely have Deja-Vu. I don't think I typed this above...maybe in another post...but I don't think so. Weird. Anyway, there's the joke. Orange you glad you stuck around for it? Maybe you had to be there but we thought it was hilarious, and it kept us from having to do drugs. The end.