Is the rear-end in this photo a joke? I guess not. This might be too much even for the dude that did that tune about "I like big butts and I cannot lie" but maybe he'd love it. Maybe if I were a dog I'd hop on that shit but as it is it makes me queasy. Speaking of the "Big Butts: song, I bet it bumped-up business in ass-enhancing by cosmetic surgeons by 30%. I bet so.
I wouldn't get near this ass after a walk around the block on a hot Summer's day. And I hate to get too clinical, but with that much ass, how does one go about finding the openings? And there are asses that make this one look like a mosquito bite. What's worse is that these days some people are getting gargantuan asses on purpose, and some of them don't look real. But you know what they say...the problem with the world is that one-half of it can't understand the pleasures of the other, and no truer words have been spoken. As sure as I'm sitting here about to hurl, there's some dude who'd hold up a 7-11 to get some of that duke. But seriously, people pay lots of money on ass and hip enhancement, but so many of them go so far beyond adding a little "shake-it" that it looks like a sideshow attraction. Gyahh!
There was a time when women were concerned about their butts looking too big, but I guess now it's concern about them not being big enough. Back in the day it was "Honey, do these jeans make my butt look big?" and you'd better damn-sure not even hesitate a nanosecond in saying "Oh, no, darling...it's perfect!" or you'd be sleeping on the couch. In this topsy-fucking-turvy world we live in, where everything's perfectly flip-flopped, I guess it's exactly the opposite. "Honey, do these jeans make my butt look big?" "Yes, sweetie." "Thank you! I love you!" "You too! Can I hit that booty?" "Sure, baby!" Excuse me for a moment...I think I'm going to be sick.
I have to tell a funny story again that relates to ass, and in case anyone thinks I don't appreciate a nice derriere, within reason. One night I was on a date and we went to a club to see our favorite local band, the Cast. We met up with my cohort and bandmate O' and we got a table just to the side of the stage, and with a perfect side-view of the singer and flautist Libba. We were all good friends and hung out and sat-in with each other's bands and such. Libba had a nice form, especially when she sort of cocked her body at an angle when she played flute.
One thing I loved about the band was their use of dynamics, or getting softer and louder, and they could turn on a dime. It sounds simple but so few bands ever utilize it these days and that's a shame because it really is a musical weapon. Anyway we were sitting stage-right and the place was packed. O' and I were pretty loaded and we were all having a big time. He and my date had known each other for years, and luckily she didn't have a problem staying sober enough to drive us all home. Now that I think about it I'd also taken an Ativan that O' had a script for, and that was very unusual for me. I had a buzz going. The Cast was playing some high-energy tune and they were loud as shit in the smallish club.
I was slowed-down enough to have a bit of a lag in my response time in the loud conversation we were having. I looked at Libba and for about the 500th time her ass caught my attention. As in music, timing is everything. Redundancy can be funny sometimes, and O' and I had marveled at Libba's ass many times before, but I brought it to his attention yet again. I pointed to her ass and just smiled and nodded my head. O' nodded back with a huge grin. The band had reached a crescendo and I had to lean over and shout in O's ear. I was definitely slurring. "Maannnnnnnnn..." I said. "Whaaaaaat?" said O', who was slurring as well. At that instant the band slammed on the brakes and went from balls-loud to a whisper.
Dynamically the sudden drop in decibels meant that there was no need for me to shout, but as I was slowed-down it was too late to stop myself, and I heard myself announce to O' and my date and the band and the crowd and everyone else, "You could set a martini on Libba's ass!" My face turned red as the whole damn place heard it and broke into howls. The rest of the band was laughing so hard that they couldn't sing the song and had to vamp through the verse until they could quit laughing enough to be able to sing. Libba looked at me and laughed out loud. She made sort of an "inquisitive" face and turned around and looked down at her rear. It was classic.
So this ass thing...what up with that? I guess it all goes back to personal taste, as it were, but it also concerns Physics as well. Maybe you could set a martini on Libba's ass, but you could balance a bowling ball on that ass. I don't mind a little "shake with those fries" when somebody walks by, but a seismic event? No thanks. I'll leave that for the "I like big butts" folks. 2 much 4 me. And I cannot lie.
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