Things They Really Need to Market: Bark-Cancelling Dogphones

The Bose noise-cancelling headphones are incredible. There aren't that many products anywhere that work as well for what they were intended as the 'phones. You can listen to music in very noisy environments and you can even use them as dedicated hearing protection, The technology seems like pure magic but it's super-straightforward and easy to understand. It's been around in theory at least for a very long time, and I think it's quite possible that the actual working technology may have been around for millennia, but don't quote me on that. You probably don't want to be called crazy too.
 Sounds, and everything else in the Universe for that matter, are made of certain frequencies. A frequency is basically a wave, and can be illustrated by a simple line-drawing of an ocean wave. If two waves of equal amplitude (basically height/strength) meet head-on in the ocean, several things can happen, but we'll only concentrate on two of them. If the waves meet when both are at the height of their peak, for an instant the waves will reinforce each other and make one really big wave before passing through each other and continuing off in opposite directions. But if two waves meet when one is in the middle of the peak and one is in the middle of the trough, for a moment they cancel each other out and the water briefly becomes level and still.
 The Bose system is based on that. It samples (records) the ambient noise within hearing of the user at so many times per second; analyzes it and then creates a frequency or frequencies that's a mirror-image of the original waveform, and sends it to the earpieces. It cancels out whatever sound(s) it is just like the opposite waves meeting in the ocean. Apparently you can stand next to a jackhammer and hear silence. The beauty is that you can add music. The software knows not to mess with that signal, so you can be on a busy street corner and still hear the pianissimo parts in a symphony. Pretty bitchin' tech going on.
 If there's ever a dog whose bark is worse than his bite it's my dog Bert. He's a Beagle, and Beagles can bark, man. I have a db meter app on my phone and I'm surprised I've never thought to measure the volume, but I do know it's loud as shit. To his credit he rarely barks without being barken to. Every now and then we'll go out for a walk and he comes out with guns blazing; barking his head off at some new dog or a squirrel half a mile away, but usually another dog has to bark first to set him off. When he does bark though, you know it. We usually go the back way late at night in case he comes out like gangbusters, but when we go the normal way we go through a breezeway, and if he barks tn there it sounds like a shotgun or something. Luckily most of the neighbors have dogs too. Still it tightens my sack when he barks late at night. I wish Bose or somebody would look dogward.
 Surely some junior genius could come up with a way to rig a mic, speaker and a microprocessor to a collar and make it work. That would so rock. I could take Mr. B out at 3am and walk right into a Cat Disco or whatever and not even hear a peep. Now that I think about it though, it'd probably be about fucking freaky to see him bark but not hear any sound. It'd be like an episode of the Twilight Bone. I guess that wouldn't be the thing to do. And dang...if it'd freak me out that much, think what it'd do to him. Could you imagine trying to holler at someone to tell them that a car was barreling down on them or something, but you couldn't make any sound? It'd be a nightmare. Same for the dog. No, I couldn't do that to my buddy. I guess it's back to the ol' drawring board. Might as well let the little fucker bark. He is a Beagle after all. Artwork by Kennedy Stewart.

Cool Goodbyes

Over a decade ago my sister and bro-in-law moved away from a cool house in a cool neighborhood in a cool part of the state. It was near not one but two Nature preserves, so it was always Critter City around there. It's called Roebuck Springs and sure enough there were little springs and streams and things running everywhere. It was a great old house and they'd never have moved if not for wanting to have my niece in a better school system. I had a lot of adventures over there to say the least.
 The last day they were officially there was the day I took this photo. I'd been over grabbing last-minute stuff and sweeping the carport or whatever. In fact they were already gone. I was standing there looking at the house for the last time and I decided to snap a final photo. I started to leave but then I decided to have a look around the yard and see if I could find a souvenir- maybe a cool rock or a pine knot or whatever.
 I was walking around bent over looking at the ground and I noticed a familiar shape. I looked down and saw part of an arrowhead sticking out of the ground. I dug it out and saw that it was a nice one and in really good shape. Score. I'd never found an arrowhead in their yard even though I knew they must be around, and I probably ran over it with the lawnmower fifty times. You just never know and I'm glad I decided to have one more look. I printed the photo and put it, along with the arrowhead that you can see in the bottom-right corner, into one of my "Freak Boxes" which display some of my various and sundry smaller doodads and whatsits I've collected over the years. It's a nice way to remember the place, and finding an arrowhead anywhere is cool. Hope you're well, house. Someone's enjoying you I know.

What Can We Learn from History?

I'm not exactly what you'd call a prude, but all this sexual perversion going on lately, and ramping-up by the day is just too much. Kids are being sexualized, and that's my main concern, even though most parents don't give a shit. In fact they don't even notice. It's sad. Men are being turned into women, and women are being turned into super-heroes. Or should I say heroines? No...that's not gender-neutral. Maybe "heroperson?" Everything is being inverted, and for those brave few wanting to know the truth, and not some spun-truth or "official" truth or my-truth-vs-your-truth, but THE truth, can look into that for starters.
 Just a few days ago a woman LEGALLY married a doll. It was a Voodoo doll to be exact, and she said that the relationship had been consummated and that she and the doll were going to try and have children. I wonder how that works...get a "sample" from it? People have married cars, trees (Druids, no doubt) and even themselves...you name it. It would be funny if it weren't so sad. Sure I get that these are nutjobs who make people who call ME a nutjob seem laughable, but instead of gently showing them to a nice padded room where maybe they can get the help they so desperately need, we're giving them full-on weddings with ministers and caterers and rings and shit. We're endorsing it. It's a joke. C'mon...who's crazy here? Oh and one sad fuck in Asia just married his sex bot. Legally. They say we'll all be fucking robots before long anyway. Do you 'til cows come home no complain. Wow, there's a real challenge for you, huh?
 They passed laws in Canada recently that lets the State take away kids as young as FIVE YEARS OLD from their parents if they try in any way to stop their kids (AS YOUNG AS FIVE YEARS OLD) from transgendering! You don't think that's coming to the US? Think again. If someone can explain to me how that's a good thing IN ANY WAY, than I'll revamp my whole belief system. I'm not holding my breath. And the whole "gender-fluid" thing...it's complete bullshit. The idea that you can wake up and be Johnny one day and Janie the next is absolutely ludicrous, yet not only are we accepting that idea, we're embracing it. Oh, yeah...and I'm a "hater" simply for questioning something that goes against NATURE. I don't hate anyone, as I've said a million times. Actually I take that back...I DO hate the evil satanic subhumans who're calling the shots.
 Anyway, blah-blah...only about two people ever read this blog anyway, so this will fall on deaf ears, but here's the deal: Scientists who study ancient cultures, and more specifically how and why they failed, noticed one universal trait. When it comes to the downward phase at the end; where the society crumbles and turns to shit, one thing is common to ALL cases- the beginning of the end is marked by "sexual ambiguity." That's where we are, and there you have it. Wake up. Have a nice day.

The WTF Files: Black Snow?

Black snow? WTF? Black snow has recently fallen in Russia. Officials say it's "cause for alarm." Ya think? Interviews with alarmed locals say that the photos don't do justice to the true color since the Sun is shining in most of the images, and that the color is absolutely black.
 Most of the photos look like regular snow, only black. This looks like some sort of polymer. This was the gnarliest photo I could find so naturally I started out with it. There's definitely something besides regular snow going on here. If I lived there what would concern me most is that all that shit would've been suspended in the atmosphere prior to the snowfall bringing it down, and I'd been breathing it for who knows how long. This is wrong, man. Frank Zappa once warned us not to eat yellow snow (because that's where the Huskies go), but nothing could have prepared anyone for this. I'd go beyond "alarming" and add "depressing."

Here's a photo that shows the true color. This looks like a freshly-tarred street. I bet it would burn. If you do an image search you'll see tons of pics from cities, forests, fields and such so it appears to be over a widespread area. That means that there was a whole lot of something in the air. A hell of a whole lot actually. The more I look at these images as I write this the more I wonder how they're even calling it snow at all. Well, some sort of crazy red precipitation has been falling occasionally in China and other places and they're calling that snow, so why not black snow I guess.
 I'd say it was caused by a volcano, although I don't think they know the reason yet. I haven't finished reading any of the articles I started because this is so batshit-crazy that I had to go ahead and blog about it, but I'll definitely be looking into this more. There are satellite charts that show various particulate counts of sulfur dioxide, co2, carbon monoxide and other things, and maybe there's something on one of those. Still I don't see how volcanic ash or anything else for that matter could blend so thoroughly with the "snow" or whatever the hell it is. This snow looks like it was meant to be black. You'd think that even with huge amounts of ash it'd still only color the snow here and there. This is mind-boggling.
 I hope this doesn't sound racist but I suppose you could build some African-American snowmen. That would be absolutely fantastic and it's what I'd do, but only with the help one one of my black friends- D, Kent, Bruce, Bernard, Joe, Hosier, Duck, Rod or Rodney or any of my other brethren-buds, whom I guarantee would think it was hilarious. Man I can just see it now...OMG. In all sincerity though, seeing something like this juuuust might get me wonderin' if some shit is going on that maybe I should know about, and more importantly, just in case all the "nutjobs" are right and there is more than meets the eye in this world; in other words there really is a spiritual realm and all of that, then is my heart in the right place? My thoughts? My soul? This shit ain't normal, yo. Show should be white. Heads-up.

Word of the Day: Klangfarbe

I haven't been so excited to learn a new word in a while. Today's word is Klangfarbe. It means "timbre." More than that it's a badass word, and any drummer has to love any word with "Klang" in it. Leave it to the Germans to come up with percussive-sounding names. You may not know what a word means but you know it's serious just because of the aggressive sound of it alone. Klangfarbe...I love it. Let me see if I can use it in a sentence...hmm, okay. "A day without Klangfarbe is like a day without sunshine," or maybe "That rhubarb has no Klangfarbe."  How's that? Alls I can say is: Have a nice day and keep on Klangfarben. Too muchen.

Witnessing History: Billy's Badass Brawl (rewritten from another blog)

How many people can say they had a Billy Beer with Billy Carter? I guess the question these days would actually be "How many people care?" Well, it was one of the coolest things I've ever seen, and anyone old enough to remember the Carter administration will remember good ol' brother Billy and his antics. To call him "colorful" would be an understatement. The shit Billy pulled would've landed him in the pokey more than once, if not for his only-slightly-more-famous brother and then-prez, Jimmy. He had his own beer for cryin' out loud.
 I was playing in my first professional band, the Skip Perry Trio. It was an awesome learning experience and I owe a lot to the late Skip Perry, but that's another story. We were a lounge act, and the music was all over the map; from the latest Pop/Rock hits like "King Tut" by Steve Martin to "Come to Papa" by Bob Seeger to Country (AND Western), Disco, show tunes and lots of cool Jazz stuff. I had to learn to fake a lot of styles in a hurry and it was really good for my ears and my drumming. We wore polyester blazers and satin shirts with 8" collars- real late-70s, post-Disco wear.
 I'm pretty sure we were playing at the TraveLodge motel on 20th street. It was a chain of mid-level motels, but the lounge anyway was done up really well. It had the typical dark vibe of most 70s bars...dark furniture, dark walls, dark ambiance and such; like a true "man cave" from way back before it was called that. Huge, dimly-lit glass globes hung from the ceiling. Massive leather chairs on rollers that probably weighed 125lbs. each surrounded thick wooden tables. It was a fun gig as I remember, but there was definitely an exclamation point to the two weeks we were there.
 Billy Carter was in town with a bunch of his buds. They'd been doing a photo shoot for a company that made overalls. I'd heard about it on the news, and when I got to the club for a bit of dinner before the gig I heard he and his entourage would be coming in later for drinks. "Oh, hell yeah" I thought. Billy was well-known for his antics by then and I figured it'd be a fun evening. It didn't disappoint. I had to laugh when I saw them rolling in about fifty cases of Billy Beer. I heard that it was all on Billy and everyone was welcome to a few. Hearing that ramped-up the anticipation even more, and anyone who has their own beer brought in ahead of them has to be taken into consideration. Look out...
 Billy and Co. rolled in shortly after we started. He'd brought about 7-8 of his buds/bodyguards along and it was obvious before they sat down that they were wasted. They still had their overalls on and it was quite a sight to behold. I think the name of the overalls was "Liberty," and that's certainly what they'd taken with the alcohol at the after-shoot party or wherever they'd been earlier. These days if something like that happened they'd have big dudes in black suits with earbuds and helicopters overhead and snipers on the roofs and shit but back then things were different and I don't recall any security personnel or even an off-duty cop. It was a fairly big place and although it wasn't packed-out completely there were the usual guests, locals and quite a few people who'd showed up hoping they might get to see Billy pull some shit. There was a bit of an amped-up vibe in the room and we played a really good set.
 We finished the first set. The bass player, "Dictionary" Don, guitarist Terry "McStudley" (technically we were a quartet for a while but the name didn't reflect that- kind of like the Ben Folds Five) and I were about to go out for our usual breath of fresh air as it were, but we saw Billy waving us over. Cool. We walked over to the table and Skip followed. "Y'all got a good band" said Billy. "Y'all kick butt." "Thanks, Mr. Carter!" "Shoot...call me Billy!" This was getting good. He got up and rolled a couple of chairs over and motioned for us to sit down and I sat next to him. The waitress brought over a big tray of Billy Beer. I popped one and toasted Billy. It was a bit of a thrill I have to admit. We sat around and shot the shit until it was time to play. Billy and the boys were yukking it up at a high decibel level. I have to say that at least they were having fun and not hurting anyone, and Billy was certainly a happy drunk.
 From being in the music biz forever I've met my share of "rock stars" and celebs. Some are really cool and humble; some, like the late, great Nicky Hopkins are phenomenal, and some are just plain assholes. Billy was good people from what I could tell. He didn't pull any "star trip" at all and he was hilarious to boot. He was cutting up for all he was worth but he never got crude or out of hand and that was impressive. He was a stand-up guy. Ha-ha...well, maybe not that particular evening but Billy was okay. He genuinely liked our band and that was nice. He never stopped smiling and there's a lot to be said for that. I hope he's still smiling.
 The fly in the ointment for the evening was a curious local doctor who'd brought his kid along to witness the proceedings. Everything was fine until he started making comments about them being "rednecks." As loaded as they were they all took it in stride for a long time. They were all wearing overalls after all. Most of the patrons were telling the kid to be quiet but a few assholes were egging him on. He was a typical spoiled punk. Dr. Daddy should've told him to shut the fuck up, but again, spoiled. I don't remember how it finally escalated to a physical thing or who threw the first punch but it was on. Billy and the boys all stood up and shit started flying.
 Besides the doc and his kid I don't know who else joined in or why, but within ten seconds there were nearly a couple-dozen people going at it. I was really surprised that anyone would mess with them to begin with. I don't think a one of them weighed less than about 265lbs, but I guess the other guys thought they'd be easy pickins' since they were so loaded. It was weird...like there were people there who were ready to fight or something and they just came out of the woodwork. It got ugly fast and I almost couldn't believe what I was seeing. People were getting thrown across tables; scattering and shattering glassware like in an old Western. I'll never forget the sight of Billy and a couple of his buds picking up those big chairs and holding them above their heads trying to throw them but only being able to teeter-totter and barely managing to hold them up.
 The highlight for me was seeing them picking up those chairs that weighed half as much as they did and hoisting them up over their heads trying to throw them but only succeeding in weebling and wobbling and smashing several of the globe lights. There was glass everywhere and it was a miracle no one got seriously hurt, at least not that I remember. It really got intense. It was the typical thing at a band gig where someone starts a fight and at first the band plays on, but then as things escalate the band gets gradually quieter and quieter and one by one the band members drop out until usually only the drummer is playing. It's a classic scenario and true to form I played on as long as I could.
 I've always said I missed my calling as a sound-effects guy for movies, and I think I did a pretty good job accenting their punches, falls, throws and all with drum rolls and cymbal crashes. The band picked up on it as well as some people in the audience and they were cracking up. Finally it got a little close for comfort and I quit playing. I was literally standing in front of my drum kit with my arms outstretched trying to protect my kit from flying tables and chairs and shit until Skip and Dictionary ran out and each grabbed an arm and pulled me backstage under protest. The whole thing lasted maybe five minutes before the cops arrived and broke it up. A few minutes later the FBI showed up. I didn't even know we had a local chapter. Billy and the boys; still juiced-up in more ways than one, were escorted out, and the good doctor, his kid and a couple other people were led away in handcuffs. I'll never forget seeing the stage roped off with crime-scene tape. Good times.
 The next day it was front-page news. A news photographer had taken an amazing photo looking out from behind my drums out onto the dance floor and seating area, which had been laid to waste. I had a copy that I finally lost recently. It would be worth going to the library to see if I could find it on microfilm, if they still do that. I had a can of Billy Beer that Billy autographed for me, until I gave it to my friend George from California. He started collecting cans before it was hip, and he missed the South so it was only fitting. I wonder what it'd be worth on eBay...maybe a hunj? All in all it was a hell of a brawl but you really couldn't fault Billy. He and his boys held their cool longer than I thought they would considering how wasted they were, and again I don't know who threw the first punch. At the end of the day I think everybody had a good ol' time. I know I did. RIP, Billy, and thanks for the beers. That was fun.

Quote of the Day

Normally I'm hair-up Chapstick and running after my boys." - Kathy Emma

Quote of the Day (repost)

"Fool me once...shame on...you...fool me...can't get fooled again!" - George W. Bush

Quote of the Day

"Do no harm; take no shit."- Carl Shipley

Gigs I Wish I Had

I wish I had a company that makes yellow vests.

666 Strikes Again

I only watched a few plays in the first half of Super Bowl LIII. I watched a couple of commercials that were rather dark, as usual lately, and I watched the halftime show. I wanted to see more of the commercials so I started watching the first vid that popped up, and I noticed that I was the 666th viewer. Cool. How apropos. This is at least the third time it's happened on the YouTube. I love it.

Doctor Octafer Predicts: Pats Win Super Bowl LIII

I predict that the Patriots will win Super Bowl 53. Is it because I'm an NFL fan or a stats geek or anything like that? Heck no. i didn't even know what teams were playing until a few days ago. I have no idea what the points spread is and I don't care. All I need to know is the teams and a couple of things that are unrelated to the game or to sports at all.
 Of course there's a 50-50 chance of each team winning, so it isn't like I'm making a prediction against thousand-to-one odds, and it won't prove anything to me or anyone else if the Pats win. I was going to talk about how I've been trying to warn people that there are some truly evil people calling the shots in this world and how they control nearly everything and how they've had millennia to hone the system and how they love to use numbers to code things and to communicate, and how my prediction is based on numbers and all of that, but people are so quick these days to call you crazy simply because you think outside the box, so for now I'll just leave it with my prediction. Pats win.