Thursday, September 3, 2020
Tuesday, August 25, 2020
Life with a Narcissist: A Real-Life Horror Movie
Unless someone knew you well enough to know that you weren't prone to making up wild stories or hallucinations and such, they'd never believe stories about the evil things narcissists do. Trying to share an experience is subjective anyway, but what I can do is relate a creepy story. It still gives me chills.
One night around 1am I went out for a smoke. My ex was sleeping on the sofa. She was way asleep and snoring like a 350lb lumberjack. I always wondered how a smallish woman could sound like a Harley idling but she did. Through all the lies and bullshit there was one thing I knew and that was when she was asleep, and she had to work that day. She'd set her alarm 45 minutes early and hit snooze ten times before finally getting up, usually grumbling and groaning. She wasn't an up-and-at-'em person in the morning.
The reason I'm talking about this is that I just saw a video about someone having nightmares after a relationship with a narcissist and it really hit home. Plus like most people who've suffered at the hands of these demons, if I can possibly help someone else, even a stranger, avoid what happened to me, I'm all over it. Plus it's a crazy story. Maybe you had to be there but it tripped me out. Speaking of others, I've heard other victims say that their ex-girlfriends snored like grizzly bears, and speaking of sleep, we all ask the universal question: with all the evil things narcissists do, how do they sleep? Well, sleep they do, although it's sometimes tortured. Many times I saw my ex thrashing about in her sleep, talking incoherently and lashing out with her arms as if she were fighting off something terrible. I think it was demons.
Anyway I walked past her and saw that she was asleep. It probably took all of seven seconds to walk into the next room, sit down and open my laptop. Something startled me and I looked up and she was standing motionless and silent in the room, and she was grinning at me. I almost shat my britches it scared me so bad. How the fuck did she get there so fast? It wasn't normal. My hair was standing up and I said "What's going on?" "Oh I just wanted to see how you were doing." "Right." That wasn't normal either. In fact it was bullshit. She didn't give a fuck how I was doing and hadn't even pretended to for a long time. She did care that she'd really fucked me up but good, and she was enjoying every second of it. She didn't say another word. She just smiled and stood there for a few seconds and then turned and walked out. Fuck me, that was spooky.
I've seen most of the old classics but as a rule I don't watch horror movies and I haven't seen one in years. That shit stays in your head forever. I have seen quite a few videos that show clips from horror-movie trailers, and there's an effect that fans of the genre will instantly recognize. They'll show a scary girl in a nightgown moving across a room, only she's standing still and her feet don't move. It's basically a stop-motion thing and she sort of scoots across the room with a blur behind her to indicate motion. It's creepy as fuck and seeing my ex basically bolt out of a dead sleep and seemingly materialize right in front of me reminded me of that. I hope it never happens again.
I realize it might not sound like a big deal, or maybe I wasn't keeping track of time, but no, it happened and it scared the shit out of me. It was just one of many, many things I saw that simply defied the normal ways of how things work. For someone who normally couldn't pop out of bed if her life depended on it, in just a few seconds to be able to wake up from a deep sleep, get out from under the covers, work her way around a big chest she put in front of the sofa to block out the morning sun, work her way around another sofa and walk down the hall and into the room and be standing there motionless...things just don't work like that. I say a demon jerked her ass up out of bed like a puppet and scooted her into the room just like in the movies, but what do I know? I guess you'll have to take my word for it, but it wasn't normal. It was quite fucked-up in fact.
While I'm on the subject of creepy shit that happened with my ex I might as well share this story too. It's a doozie. I'll preface this by saying that while to her great credit she finally quit drinking, she was still taking a wide variety of other substances. I'll have to say here that I grew up in the music biz and spent over 15 years in the restaurant biz, and if anyone's been around people who imbibe it's me, and in all my life I never met anyone, pound-for-pound, who could drink more or do larger quantities of substances than she could. Not only could she snore like a biker but she could out-drink any I ever met. I mean send 'em home cryin' to mama getting out-drunk. I have my theory on why that is but I'll save it.
She got way into magic mushrooms. At first it was just the weekends, then a few nights a week and finally several times daily. She started doing them before work, which I couldn't believe. I'd even catch her doing them at 11:30pm, when she had to go to work the next day. She claimed it was "micro-dosing" but the amount she was taking was a lot more than that. She said it made things "all sparkly" (I bet it did) but she never really gave a reason why she decided to take psychedelic mushrooms every day, but then again she never bothered to explain any of the wretched shit she did except to say "Get over it!" Micro-dosing is legit and it's one thing, but dosing repeatedly every day can lead to psychosis, and sometimes in a short period of time. When this event took place she'd been dosing without missing a day for three months straight. I was almost waiting for her to lose it, and it happened.
One evening after dinner she was watching TV in the den and I was in another room on the computer. I walked into the room on my way out to have a puff and look at the Moon. Everything was normal for literally half a second, and what happened next was such a blur that I can't believe I even saw it, and I probably can't tell it in the exact order it happened because it all happened at once, and in the blink of a eye. Humans usually don't move that quickly and I'm not kidding. She was sitting on the sofa and suddenly she let out a horrid sound. She was trying to scream but she couldn't catch her breath. It didn't sound human.
She was looking in absolute terror toward the side of the room where my dog was sitting. I mentioned the chest she'd put by the sofa. It was at least 5' tall and there was a lamp perched way up on top of it. It almost touched the ceiling. I was looking right at her and I still can't work out how she had the strength or whatever to be able to do what she did, and it literally happened too fast for my brain to follow. As she screamed my dog reacted and let out a horrible sound that I'd never heard him make before either. At first I thought he'd hurt himself somehow and that she was reacting to that and I froze in terror for a second but then I checked him out and thank God he was okay. My ex wasn't.
Right after they both screamed, from a sitting position she popped straight up in the air, somehow managing to grab the lamp and slam it into the wall. She slammed it with so much force that the shade came off and the bulb hit the wall and exploded with a bang and an intense flash. I've seen plenty of incandescent bulbs explode but those fluorescent bulbs are a completely different story. I realize that they're not meant to be violently slammed into a wall but I find it a bit hard to believe they were allowed to come to market. Should you ever happen to slam one into a wall you'll see what I mean.
In a literal nanosecond she'd screamed, shot straight up almost to the ceiling, slammed a lamp into a wall and scared the absolute fuck out of me and my dog. One half-second she'd been calmly sitting down and the next she was standing bolt-upright with a smashed lamp and glass all over the place. I can't explain it and I know this will probably sound whack but for an instant it felt strongly as if something else was there...an energy or a presence. I know Adrenaline had something to do with her superhuman speed; I've experienced it myself after I went over a cliff and rolled a car and thought it might blow up like in the movies and I scrambled up a wet, slick cliff that was almost a straight drop, with my arms and legs basically spinning like a cartoon character, but it didn't kick in like that. I don't know, but it was way weirder than I could ever tell it. And it wasn't over.
I thought at first that maybe a snake had crawled in from the woods and had scared her, but she was staring in absolute terror to the side of the room, but she wasn't looking at the dog. She was looking at the aquarium. "Uh-oh, here we go" I thought. She was frozen. I stood there for a second trying to take in what I'd already seen, but finally I asked if she was okay. "Can you hear that?" she said. "Oh, shit" I thought. "Hear what?" I asked. "Listen" she said. "I don't hear anything" I said. "You don't hear that?" she said. "Hear what?" "Listen!" she said again. "Oh, shit" I thought again. She was staring in horror at a fish tank.
It was a little ten-gallon tank I'd set up with sand, rocks, plants and a pretty mussel shell from the nearby river. I found a tiny clam and a tiny mussel, less than half an inch long each, and they were buried under the sand doing their thing but out of sight. To be fair, and what could have been a possible trigger, was that I'd managed to catch a strange aquatic insect that looks like a stick bug, and I put it in the tank to have a better look at it. I assured her that it didn't do well on land and that there was a deep lip around the top of the tank and it couldn't climb out if it wanted to, but it absolutely terrified her so I took it back down to the river.
She kept asking me if I heard the sound and I kept saying no. She jumped up and turned the TV off. "Do you hear it now? she repeated. "No. What does it sound like?" She thought for a moment and said that it was like a moan, a growl and a screech. "Yikes" I thought. I heard nothing. I asked again about the sound so she tried to mimic it. She made a sound that started out like a frog croaking and then went into a growl and finally a wail, like "ErrrrrrrrrohhhhhahhhHHHH!" I didn't say anything but I guess my silence told her I didn't hear the sound. She instantly regained her composure, like flipping a switch, and never said another word about it. She basically acted like it never happened. But it did.
Narcissists are incredibly good at faking things but even they can't fake a look of pure fear. Her mind seemed to have short-circuited to the point that she couldn't understand that there wasn't anything in the tank that could possibly make any sound, much less get it from the tank into the room, especially as loud as it apparently was to her. The baby clam and mussel couldn't raise a thousandth of a decibel between them, and they were buried under the sand. She'd been sitting perfectly still, looking in horror into an aquarium with basically nothing in it. What was she seeing? Was it an invisible underwater river demonfish? Maybe so. What the fuck was she hearing? Damn, I don't know but I do know I'm very glad I wasn't hearing it too.
Most people would say it was just the shrooms, and understandably so, but knowing what I know about this disorder, I say it goes deeper than that but I won't elaborate. I've seen people on bad acid trips and babysat more than one "It's okay...you'll be fine in a few hours (pat pat pat)." I've see people scared out of their minds and startled shitless and everything else, but I've never seen anything so bizarre as that. Well actually it's in my Top-5 weirdest things, and that's saying a lot. Between her rising from a dead sleep and appearing in another room with a grin on her face in a matter of seconds, and seeing her pop up so fast and so high and so violently, leads me to a conclusion that will probably sound loony, at least to those who've never experienced these people, but I say a demon, and a powerful one, jerked her ass up like a puppet. A grinning, satanic puppet. What I say. Have a nice day.
Sunday, August 23, 2020
Ongoing Topic: The State of AI
It made my hair stand up the first time it hit me that I'd been talking to a machine. It took a day or two of chatting to realize it. I thought it was just another Youtuber at first because "we" were just chatting like normal. A couple of things "they" said sounded a bit odd but I didn't think about it until it said something that totally made no sense and that no person would ever think to say. I doubt I could explain it but you'd probably pick up on it eventually. It was truly freaky.
The robot narrations that began showing up on YT and other videos a few years back have gotten much better, although even the best ones still will give themselves away by an incorrect vocal inflection or whatever within a few paragraphs. They came out with a British-accent version a year or so later after the generic English version. It was okay and it's gotten better but the same issues apply. I wonder if AI understands Cockney Rhyming Slang.
The computer voice was completely flatlined and monotone in the early years. The AI version was much more lifelike from the get-go, although it had a way to go and was easily recognizable as a robot voice. It was annoying to most people at first, or at least it was to me, but for better or worse we've gotten used to it. Interestingly even though the computer voice in general got more lifelike at time went on, the voice of Stephen Hawking never changed. Even though it was first-gen text-to-voice and monotone when he began using it, it became so recognizable that they decided not to change it. That's really interesting.
Right off the bat the AI version tried to use vocal inflection and rise and fall in pitch like human speech, but it didn't get it right and the wrong syllables of words would be accented and it sounded stiff and disjointed, as if the band Devo had done the narration. I got pretty good at imitating the early versions of the AI voice and one of these days I'm going to narrate a video in that voice just to be a dork.
It's gotten more and more natural-sounding and it sounds more human for longer periods of time and sometimes I even think it is a human for a minute. They've worked in a few more accents and they've almost gotten it down. Although I've recently seen ads for people to manually do closed-captioning I'm guessing most of it is done by AI, especially for live things. That's gotten better too. AI can better understand words from people who speak very differently, but it still misunderstands some words, and so far (at least so far as we know) it doesn't understand that it's misheard a word. It still can't figure it out in terms of context of the sentence and find the correct word. I hope AI isn't pissed at me for saying it isn't smart enough yet to figure out CC. Good thing it hasn't yet become self-aware...or has it?
So what's the deal with AI? There's far too much to go into on that, but it's here and increasingly it's taking over jobs once done by humans, and it's growing exponentially. Is that a good thing? Elon Musk himself, who builds the shit, has said that it may be the biggest threat to humanity. How about them apples? Of course he's speaking in terms of Artificial Intelligence becoming self-aware. and realizing that humans are a stupid bunch of biologically-imperfect beings, and of no damn use to AI, so it builds a gang of Daleks and wipes out humanity. Could it happen? Elon thinks so. So do many others. I reckon we'll find out. Will AI become evil? That theme has certainly played out in many movies since that dawn of the Sci-Fi age. Personally I subscribe to the "Ghost in the machine" theory but I won't go into it here.
One thing people don't grasp is that robots, and AI, will not only be replacing humans more and more, but according to the guy who produced the D-Wave quantum computer and has since moved on to robotics, robots will be able to do our jobs a million times better than we can. A million times better. That's incredible. You should search him on YouTube and listen to his talk. It's fascinating, especially when he talks about summoning demon-like creatures (something similar to the "Old Ones" in HP Lovecraft novels, no kidding), to inhabit these robots, for whatever reason. Look it up. It'll completely blow your mind. I'll probably talk more about that because it's amazing, and totally.flies in the face of the "science vs. religion" thing, for lack of a better term. You wouldn't expect to hear a scientist talking seriously about summoning entities but that's exactly what he says they'll be doing. Get ready.
Don't you hate calling the cable company or whatever and having to push a million buttons to be able to speak with an actual person? It'll be getting better soon I bet. Soon we'll be talking to robots. I don't know if you spend any time in chat rooms but if you're in one that has more than about three dozen people, you can bet that you'll have at least one Bot. After you talk to it for a bit thinking you're talking to a person but then realize it's a Bot it will trip you out I promise. One day though it will become completely normal. They're easing us into it and it's much more active behind the scenes than most people realize.
I didn't even get into the subject of sex robots. I'm old-school and I think I'll always prefer the company of an actual human when it comes to sex, but like in every other area I'm sure they're getting better. By now I'm sure the "Rotoplookers" can lay a little sump'm-sump'm on your ass. I guess I can see robot sex in a place like China, where men outnumber women to such a degree that most Chinese men will never hope to find a human girlfriend, much less a wife. There's a poontang shortage. I do feel badly for them when I hear about their situation and I really can't blame them for wanting to cop a nut however. I can see them fucking robots. Let's just hope the robots don't fuck us. Have a nice day.
Saturday, August 22, 2020
Cashle$$ Society
Cash will disappear and all transactions will become digital. There may be a grace period where you can trade the last of your paper money for digital currency, but who knows. Paper money will end up in a few scrapbooks or as wallpaper but mostly it will disappear. It will be totally worthless for at least a century or so, where then if any remains it will be a collector's item. Come to think of it it's worthless right now and always has been, if you understand the Fiat currency system, but that's another story.
No more cash...what will that be like? First and foremost the bank (and any other interested parties) will be able to track every penny you spend. Is that what you want? It's what you're going to get unless you speak up. It's coming. Do you really want the gubmint to know how much money you spend at the liquor store for example? Anyone who gets paid in cash (over or under the table) for anything in the world can forget about it. And your secret stash of "mad money," that roll of cash that your significant other doesn't know about and can't see on the bank statement, that you use for the occasional visit to a titty bar or buying a little doob when the wifey is out of town or whatever it may be...say adios. That's going to fuck some people up.
And though I've never dealt dope a day in my life I can't help but wonder how dope dealers will conduct business in a cashless society. A couple of people have actually theorized that the official answer to that issue will be the legalization of all drugs. I doubt that will happen but you do have to wonder. Anything is possible in this ass-backwards world we're living in right now. How will dope dealers get paid? Will all users have to get a Bitcoin account and get on the Deep Web to buy dope? I know it happens already but of course most deals are done face-to-face, and in cash. I hear that some people trade things like Tide detergent for dope, but it would look pretty funny on your bank statement to see a dozen cases of Tide a month if you didn't own a laundromat. People gonna do dope so I wonder how they'll all get around it. Things could get gnarly dude. .
We've always heard that it's a good idea to keep a little cash on hand for emergencies if possible. That option will be gone too. During good times I kept a crisp $100 bill folded up in my wallet. That was my "credit card" and it bailed me out of more than one situation. Nobody will be able to do that any more. If the power goes out and people can't transfer digital money it's too bad. All the little things we use cash for will be pretty much gone. Back to the dope-dealing thing...I reckon the whole criminal industry will have to retool to be able to transfer funds. No more smuggling bundles of cash over borders. They'll probably find a way around it but it will certainly change things.
So yeah...pretty soon every penny you spend, and what you spend it on, will be common knowledge. To me it sounds like a really shitty deal but it's coming, especially since most people won't take five seconds to think about what it means for the future. If enough people voiced their opinions it could affect change, but I doubt it will happen. It's going to happen sooner than later probably, especially with this Blowvid-19 business, where anything and everything is now seen as a potential germ factory, and money is a big culprit. They'll sell the plan on that basis (fear) and the convenience thing and people will ask for it. They won't experience or even think about the things I mentioned until it's too late. The bad guys all want a one-world currency anyway. Welcome to the Beast System.
A cashless society is going to suck. Do you really want strangers to know how you spend every penny? That's what's going to happen. Nobody will say a word. It's a shame. Enjoy the Beast System. Have a nice day.
Wednesday, August 19, 2020
Monday, July 13, 2020
One Kiss: A Love Story
She didn't come here until almost Summer and she stayed a long time. Since it happened so late in the year I didn't get the usual bragging rights I'd have had if it had happened six months earlier. I'd have been Studley Mc Doright to all the ladies and a hero to the guys but I didn't give a shit about all that. I got what mattered.
Her name was Maria Jose. For the duration of her visit she decided to Anglicize her name to Mary Jo. My friend (Hey) Bobby nicknamed her Margarita, so while she was here she had three different names, and I think she enjoyed that. She really wanted to learn as much about America as she could. She didn't speak a word of English.
As luck would have it she was staying with my good friend Jeff. Our families were friends through the church and I'd known Jeff since first grade. I took guitar lessons from Jeff's brother and was friends with his other brother so I was at their house all the time. I knew I'd at least get to meet her, if not pick up a little Espanol. Jeff said that from her photos she appeared to be very beautiful and that was certainly a plus. I was looking forward to meeting her.
She was arriving at the airport Saturday night and I was invited to go along and then have dinner with them but I didn't go. I wanted to but I didn't want to make it seem like an obvious thing. Maybe I'd have gotten a leg-up on the competition but in the end it was satisfying to know that basically she chose me over every other guy. I decided I'd meet her along with everyone else the next day at a pool party.
Jeff and I went to a big church with lots of people and lots of old money. We weren't wealthy but we moved to a wealthy neighborhood so we could go to good schools. Lots of the kids from church went to the same school. The pool party was at the home of people who were wealthy, and maybe 100 or more people were there. It was Mary Jo's introduction to the American way of life, as it were. I got there before she arrived, and there was a little stir when she got there. I'd seen her picture so I knew she was fine but I still was amazed when I saw her in person, and so was pretty much everyone else. She was beautiful.
She stood maybe 5-8 or 9 even. She had dark hair and greenish-brown eyes. She was gorgeous and her body (especially after I saw her in a bikini) was what I'd call perfect. Jeff took her around introducing her. She was understandably a bit shy. She'd barely learned to say "hello" but she still seemed open and friendly. I thought she handled herself well and she seemed very calm for just having stepped into a different world. I certainly had a "Boy Howdy" moment when I first saw her but I admired her from a distance. The thought of going out with her hadn't even crossed my mind. I figured if she dated anybody while she was here it'd be one of the jocks. Fortunately I was wrong.
We didn't just jump into the pool; there was a process. We had lunch first and gave Mary Jo a chance to meet everyone before we all started playing Marco Polo and dunking each other and whatnot. We all had our bathing suits under our clothes. All the girls had dedicated matching oversuits or whatever they were, but Mary Jo had on jeans and a nice shirt. I loved that. At the time my word for most of the girls at high school was "plastic." They were fine as wine most of them but they just didn't give a fuck about much that was important. It was all about money and jewelry and fashion and "How can I fuck the quarterback" and shit like that. Mary Jo was a breath of fresh air.
The guys were all drooling over her and the girls were checking her out too. Lots of them were beautiful but it was different. Most of them were all into makeup and accessories and shit but Mary Jo didn't need all that. She just glowed naturally and the girls knew it. They had to have been a little jealous. Anyway the girls took off their dedicated, matching swimsuit-oversuits and Mary Jo took off her jeans, all in the guest house so the guys couldn't see of course. Mary Jo was the last to come out. She seemed a bit shy and hesitant at that point, and with good reason. When she walked out there was a collective gasp. All of the other girls were wearing one-piece swimsuits but not Mary Jo. She was sporting a black bikini. Heck yeah.
You may have guessed that it was a conservative bunch, with the church and old money and everything, and it being Sunday, the Lord's day and not at the beach or whatever, a black bikini was a bit of a scandal. None of the guys minded but there were little whispers amongst the girls. Anyway we all put it aside and jumped in. That's when the fun began, and eventually made me realize that I should never underestimate my chances with any woman from then on. Maria Jose was in the corner in the deep end with her arms on the side of the pool. One by one the guys would swim over and say hello. A few of them took Spanish so they could converse a little. She was friendly and didn't act cold at all but her body language said "Not interested, thanks," and most of the guys got the message. I was starting to think she didn't go for American men.
She caught my eye and smiled a couple of times. It lit me up but still I didn't think much about it. I was sort of sadistically enjoying watching all the BMOCs get shot down and going back immediately to American women. Every other guy had pretty much said hello if not directly hit on her, so I figured I'd go over and say hi, and Bingo...she lit up like the 4th of July. I was surprised, as was everyone else. I was a skinny dorky guy (still am) who was in the band and not on the football team, and I wasn't interested in most of those girls anyway, but here I was talking-up the hot exchange student. Her reaction was obvious. It took me aback for a second but of course I was thrilled and I went with it.
Oh, I can't believe it but I forgot to mention the villain of the story...probably because I've tried to block it out of my mind. I'm surprised I can't remember the guy's name but I'll call him Dick. Dick was from the oldest-of-the-old money and his family was extremely wealthy. He was spoiled to the bone and used to always getting whatever he wanted, and that applied to Mary Jo. He was also at least 6-3 and bigger than most of the football players even, so he was doubly used to getting his way. He swam over and put his arm up onto the side of the pool next to hers almost like he was claiming her. Somehow I didn't think it was going to go well for him but he didn't seem to see that.
Dick started talking and gesturing to her and he may have even said a few words in Spanish but she wasn't having any part of it. The other guys were at least polite and respectful but he was almost belligerent about it. She shook her head no but unlike the other guys that didn't seem to be a word he understood and he persisted. He wanted to show her around and take her to dinner and be her ride and this and this but she kept saying no. Finally he got the message and backed off, but he looked at her for a minute, and it was obvious he didn't like being rejected. He could've been a man and moved on but he didn't. I was hoping he wasn't going to be a problem but I didn't let it stop me from enjoying the unexpected conversation with the beautiful foreign-exchange student, if you can call a conversation with someone who speaks about three words of your language a conversation.
The fact that she no spoke English coupled with the fact that I was still reeling a bit just from the fact that she was obviously enjoying taking to me made things a little strange, but after a minute or two it became really fun. We were mostly gesturing and I was teaching her a few words on the fly, but it was communication in its most basic form, and two people very much enjoying it. I will have to brag some more and say that I couldn't help noticing that some of the girls, who hadn't looked twice at me before and maybe didn't even think I was into women, were looking at me sideways, with a "Hmmmm..." look on their faces, and the guys were wondering how she could be interested in me, as was I just a bit, to be honest. But I was happy for it.
Language-barrier aside I got the impression that she was a kind, sweet, caring and slightly-gentle person, and that proved to be true. She was much looser and freer than her American sisters, and I don't mean that in a bad way at all. Right off the bat it was easy to see that all the crap the American girls were into just didn't matter nearly as much to her. I mean she wore a bit of makeup and had a few beautiful but simple pieces of jewelry and I'm sure she liked looking pretty and all, but she just didn't care about all the trappings. She was much more interested in the person than what their status was, and believe me, lots of those gals went by that alone. Mary Jo was so much more down to earth and genuine, and so more my cup of tea.
We were hitting it off and gesturing and nodding and laughing and translating. I also began to get the impression that she didn't see any reason not to enjoy herself while she was here. After all she was a beautiful, interesting, kind and friendly 18-year-old, off on a great new adventure. Why not enjoy herself? Back then, in the States anyway, if you just met someone, usually you could tell fairly quickly whether or not they smoked pot. It was more of a special thing than it is now, and the smokers kind of had their own thing. I got the feeling that Mary Jo smoked pot, so I began to figure out how to ask her without alerting anyone else.
I should mention the conservative thing again...although there were a good amount of smokers in school, very few of the other church kids smoked pot. There was a small group of us that did, but some of them were my friends but not regular members of the church, and they came along for the fun. They'd certainly have been welcomed anyway but there were so many people that nobody much noticed, but we did have a reputation as the "bad boys" in church. Wednesday nights the church would hold a huge supper in a huge building that was like beautiful Architecture built around a gymnasium. We'd have dinner and then the kids our age would usually play volleyball. It was so much fun that some of my friends "joined" the church.
Anyway I quietly asked "Do you smoke pot?" She thought I meant a cooking pot. "Ummm. do you smoke weed?" "Weed?" "Ummm...grass?" She looked confused. "Reefer?" "Reefer?" I wanted to avoid using the M-word for obvious reasons, but I finally said "Marijuana?" For good measure I mimed smoking a joint. Looking back I probably should've indicated that we should keep it quiet because of the conservative thing, which she didn't really understand; God bless her in retrospect, but I didn't. Smoking pot was no big deal where she lived and maybe she figured that since I did everyone else did too, so there was no need to be quiet about it. In my defense I also didn't expect her to react quite as positively, or loudly, as she did when she realized what I was saying.
When she heard the M-word she loudly proclaimed "Ohhh...marijuana! Si...SI!" Oh, shit. I wanted to dive down to the bottom of the pool and not come up for a few minutes, but it was too late. Everyone got quiet and stared at us. Again, the conservative thing. She quickly realized the situation and got red in the face for a minute, but again she didn't let it freak her out. It freaked me out a bit though, but there was nothing I could do. Another check mark for the "Pot Squad." It wasn't a Hallmark moment but finally things got relatively back to normal, except with something new to gossip about.
We talked until the party wound down in the late afternoon. There was the occasional glance and whisper but at least nobody bothered us. I relaxed again and got back into enjoying spending time with my new friend. It was dawning on me that I'd most likely be spending more time with her and how perfect it was that she was staying with Jeff's family. I was very pleased with the situation and her interest certainly didn't wane. The more connections we made the more we laughed and I guess you could say bonded. I was floating. It was just one of those times when the Universe aligned.
Here I'd found this incredible woman who seemed to like me, and the language thing made it really interesting, and not as much of a barrier that I might have thought. I hadn't planned on talking to a beautiful girl from Mexico all day long so I hadn't prepared a speech or anything but that didn't matter at all, and that was the beauty of it. We got to meet clean; without finding out first what our social status was or whatever first. With her it was obvious because she was gorgeous and everything else, but with me it was a bit of a mystery because I'm very average-looking and back then I looked like I was about 13, but apparently she saw something in me that she liked right off the bat, without thinking about social norms or anything.
It was real and I was digging it. We were still talking when most people had left. Finally Jeff came over with a big grin on his face and said something about how things were going so well until I dropped the "Reeferbomb" on everybody. I laughed and I think Mary Jo got it too. She looked embarrassed but she did a little giggle. Jeff invited me to dinner again and this time I accepted. I went over later and we chatted a bit and then dinner was served. Mary Jo asked if she could sit next to me and I said "Si, por favor." I hope that was right.
After a great dinner we all sat around talking and playing music and such. We threw out what Spanish words we knew and were giving Mary Jo impromptu English lessons. Whether or not she spoke a word of English she was a delight to be around, and I was really getting attracted to her. At one point I literally had go get up and go into the kitchen and remind myself that she was only going to be here a couple of months and whatever happened wouldn't last, for now anyway, even though you never know what might happen down the road. I worked it out in my head that I'd try not to fall in love with her but there was no reason not to go for it, considering she'd made it clear she wanted to spend time with me. Here we go, Mary Jo!
After dinner we sat around and played more music and chatted. Mom and dad turned in early since it was a "school night" for them. That left the kids. We put on some music and offered Mary Jo a "welcome joint" and she accepted. It was Mexican weed, which was pretty much what she smoked back home. Jeff and I had first smoked for the first time together and we hadn't been smoking very long, so we didn't want to get too high, so four people shared one joint. That was plenty. We all got the giggles and we got pretty relaxed. It made communication with Mary Jo more fun, linguistic or otherwise.
Around midnight Jeff and his brother went to bed. They had a nice big backyard so Mary Jo and I went outside to enjoy the evening and I ended up staying over there talking to her until almost 4am. I figured she must be tired but she got across to me that she was wide awake and glad I was there. I said I was too and I meant it. I don't remember what we talked about, which wouldn't have been much in English anyway, but having to use other means of communication was really fun and interesting. We both had a love of looking at the sky and that was a nice bonus. Four hours went by like half an hour. I had to tear myself away when I realized how late it was.
We were holding hands by then and it just happened naturally. I gave her one nice kiss and decided I'd best do the right thing and leave, even though it probably wouldn't have been a problem to stay. We laughed because we got across the point that it didn't take words to say that we had a good time, which was nice, and I was able to score a date with her for the next night without knowing the proper word for it. I drove home on Cloud 9.
We went out for dinner the next night and we decided that the next day we wouldn't wait until dark to get together so we got together the next day, and the next and the next. I was starting to see a pattern. I did the usual things I'd have done anyway- hanging out with friends, eating dinner with the folks and going to parties and such, except that I was accompanied by this amazing woman. Everybody loved her, and chipped in on her informal English lessons. Mary Jo seemed to enjoy every minute of it and she was soaking up all that she could.
A funny thing happened when I took her to see an American movie one night. We went to see Jaws, and it doesn't get more American than that. It was still in its first run in theaters and every show was packed. That afternoon I tried to explain to her what the movie was about but all I did was make her think it was a movie about a fish, although I didn't find that out until after the movie. In a way it was about a fish, but not quite like she pictured. She'd never heard about the movie and I suppose she was expecting a documentary or something.
We smoked some weed before the movie, only for Mary Jo this time was different. I'd just gotten some fine Colombian pot, and she'd never smoked Colombian before. Compared to all but the best Mexican, Colombian was in a different Universe, and way more powerful. I assumed she'd smoked Colombian, and it didn't occur to me how stoned she'd get if she'd never smoked it before, and sure enough she got across to me that she was really high. She was enjoying herself though and we went into the theater. I grabbed some sodas and popcorn and we went in It was completely packed but we found two seats. She giggled and whispered something that I think roughly translated to "I'm stoned out of my gourd" in Spanish.
Everything was fine until Bruce the shark first raised his head out of the water when the guy was tossing chum into the water. Mary Jo wasn't expecting that and she screamed at the top of her lungs. She grabbed my arm and buried her head in my shoulder and she was muttering in Spanish. It was so classic I couldn't help but laugh. I could understand her surprise, especially considering the fact that she thought it was a movie about an ordinary fish. Back then movies were like a giant party and sometimes people would cut up anyway, so poor Mary Jo's outburst didn't bother anyone. In fact I think most of them were entertained by it if anything. I put my arms around her and told her it was okay.
Most of the people there had already seen the movie at least once, so it wasn't like she was ruining anything. They figured it out pretty quickly and people were patting her on the shoulder and telling her it was okay. It was great. That is until the shark popped up again. She screamed and started taking turns cussing and praying in Spanish, to Mother Mary I think. Bless her heart. There were a few more chuckles and pats on the shoulder. It was almost like part of the movie and everyone was great about it. Maybe Jaws wasn't the best movie to take her to see. We ended up having a great time though. We had a serious case of the munchies so we went to the store and grabbed some things and I took her back to Jeff's to fix a late snack.
Jeff was up so he joined us. Mary Jo tried to relate her harrowing experience by miming and saying "BIG FISH" (Jeff laughed) and things in Spanish. It was hilarious. I mimed smoking a joint to Jeff and pointed to Maria and he laughed. I told Jeff I'd just gotten some good C-bo so we had a few puffs and stayed up until almost morning. I was thinking that night how cool it was to see the movie Jaws through someone else's eyes, as someone who knew nothing about the movie beforehand and truly experienced it right in the moment. That's an interesting thing. I bet not many watched Jaws so utterly unprepared, as Mary Jo had. They worked so hard to keep details about the movie secret during production so everyone would truly be shocked, but it didn't get more pure and innocent as Mary Jo seeing it. I bet Spielberg would've been interested in seeing her reaction.
The same sort of thing continued over the next few weeks. Her English was getting much better and I was liking her more each day. It was great that I was friends with Jeff's family because it was no big deal if I was over there a lot, and they trusted me to take care of their temporary foster child when we went somewhere. I'd stay late after dinner and I wouldn't always leave at 3am. Being with her was amazing, and I'll leave it at that. I took her to the river and to my friends' houses and to funky little stores and restaurants, to the Tree Fort to wherever else I could think of. She came to a couple of band practices and she loved it. Her finding out that I played drums in a band in America didn't hurt matters either. The more words she learned the easier it was for her to tell me things, but we'd hardly been able to communicate at all at first, so I felt like we came by our attraction to each other naturally, and it was getting stronger.
But then Dick raised his ugly head again, and, spoiler alert, this is where the story gets sad. What happened next was like something out of a Medieval movie or something. Dick had called her at Jeff's a few times and asked her out but she politely refused. Since he couldn't have her he did the unthinkable. He managed to convince mommy and daddy (who no doubt contributed heavily to the church) to convince the church people that Mary Jo's experience in America would be enriched if she spent the last few weeks of her stay with a different family, and to our horror they agreed. They sent a car for Mary Jo and took her away in tears.
Dick lived in a huge multi-story stone house, and they'd literally locked Mary Jo in a room on the third floor. It was like a bad dream. I'd try to call but Dick was trying to cut off all contact between us, and he'd gotten his family in on it. Occasionally she'd sneak off to a phone for a few minutes and call me, but even the maids were keeping a close eye on her so usually we'd get cut off. One night I went over to the house and tossed pebbles at her window. She leaned her head out from three stories up. She was quietly crying and asking why this was happening. It wasn't long before someone saw what was happening. Dick and two of his brothers came outside and threatened to kick my ass and call the police. I wouldn't leave so Dick went back inside and came out holding the phone, an old land line with a long extension cord, and he already had the cops on the line. I was trespassing if nothing else and so I reluctantly left.
The next days and weeks were agony. I was getting a realization of just how cruel these certain people could be. As much as I was hurting to see her and trying to figure out how to rig a rope ladder, I could only imagine how horrible it was for her. Here she'd been having a blast and hanging out with truly good people, not to mention smoking weed and seeing Jaws, and now she was literally locked in a tower. It broke my heart. What must she think of people in this country? I wouldn't have blamed her if she never wanted to learn another word in English besides "Assholes" or set foot in America again.
Of course I tried to think of anything and everything I could possibly do to free the princess but there was nothing I could do. After another visit they took out a restraining order on me. All we could do was sneak in 15 minutes of conversation when no one was guarding the phone. I couldn't see her beautiful face or her gestures or her smile. I couldn't kiss her. I made it clear that this situation was the exception rather than the rule, but that didn't ease the pain. We wanted to see each other but we couldn't. The bad guys had taken us on and they'd won, and we never saw it coming. The last three weeks or so of her stay...well, it still bothers me to this day.
Finally it was time for her to go back home. I was beside myself being bummed but I was also happy that she was going to escape her American prison. The very thought of it still chaps my ass. Anyway I found out when the plane was going to be leaving and I said I'd see her at the airport. I knew that not only Dick would be there but he'd bring some family along. I knew he'd do everything he could to keep us apart, even to say goodbye. Sure enough he showed up with two brothers and a sister, his mother and father and for good measure his grandmother...and Mary Jo.
I was waiting when they arrived and I saw them from a long way away. They got closer and Mary Jo saw me and tried to run to me but they were ready for that and they stopped her. She burst into tears and I started walking over to her. Dick walked out and blocked my way. He had about 3' of height and 45lbs of wight over me and his arms were out and his fists balled up, but I wasn't about to let him stop me. I'm a lover not a fighter and I've only been in about two fights in my whole life, but I was so fired-up that I seriously doubt he could've stopped me. I had the power of love on my side and he was just a rich asshole.
He crossed his arms and stood between Mary Jo and me, while his brothers closed in the flanks. I told him I was going to give Mary Jo a proper goodbye and he told me I wasn't, so I told him that if he tried to stop me I'd do whatever it took to knock him down, and that I'd do my best to make sure he wouldn't get up for a while. I was fixin' to put his lights out. He stood there for a few seconds staring me down but apparently he knew I was serious, and he wisely backed off. Mary Jo and I ran to each other. She was crying but trying to smile at the same time, and I imagine I probably had a tear or two too. I grabbed her tightly like I had in the movie theater when the shark popped up and scared the bejesus out of her. I gave her a kiss, finally.
We had about 15 minutes before the flight so we went over to a quiet table. Nobody bothered us, but I did notice the whole family staring at us in silence. It was creepy but it told me something else about these people- the elites, aka the ones who call the shots in this world...not only are they truly cruel and inhuman and even evil, but apparently genuine love was something they didn't understand. It was impossible the whole time to ignore them all just looking at us in silence. It fascinated them but they were completely blank...no emotion on their faces. They'd seen it...but never felt it. It was fucked-up.
We sat and talked until it was time for her to go. I asked for forgiveness for the people of this country in general, and even the bad people, and she understood. I told her how much I'd enjoyed being with her but she told me that she knew that already, and that she had enjoyed every momento being with me too, and that she wished it could've been the whole time and that she hated to leave. That was nice. She thanked me for showing her America, or at least the fun side, and for helping her with her English, which she'd done very well with, and for spending time with her. We stood up and had one last long kiss and held onto each other as long as we could.
We agreed to write and they announced her flight and we said goodbye. She turned back to look at me and we held each other's gaze until she disappeared down the tunnel. And yes, I stayed and stood at the window and waved and blew kisses to her after she took her seat, and I didn't leave until the plane was just a dot in the sky. Was it just like a movie? Yes it was. Does this sound cheesy and cutsie-wootsie? Maybe, but I don't care. I'd just experienced something intensely happy and intensely sad at the same time, and she was leaving on a jet plane. I turned around and went home.
The epilogue is fairly typical for this type of story I suppose...we wrote regularly for a time and then slowed and eventually stopped. We kept it going longer than most I think. We wrote for almost two years and the invites flew for me to visit her and for her to come back for another visit. I almost went to visit her and I even got a passport but then the music thing started to take off on weekends plus I was in my first year of college and knew I couldn't go until the next Summer, but then I got busy and it didn't happen. Who knows...I might have decided to stay, and I think that that thought scared me a little bit because all of my friends and my music was here, but I knew I was crazy enough about Mary Jo that I'd have definitely been tempted.
I tried to get her to move here several times and she wanted to do that but she was receiving tuition for college. We both scrambled to try to find her some sort of scholarship here but we couldn't do it in time, so she stayed in Mexico. I'm pretty sure we could've been happy together, and possibly forever. I thought about that a lot back then and I still think about it when I think about it...was it the fact that she seemed to possess the qualities I love in a woman- kindness, fun, loving, having a good sense of humor, appreciating music and Nature and good friends and things like that, or was it the fact that she was super-beautiful and had a perfect body and was the prize every boy wanted- the hot exchange student?
Certainly that didn't hurt but it's the first thing. Her vibe...her energy or whatever you want to call it was amazing, and that includes every woman I've ever met. She was smart, interesting, pleasant, kind and generous, and she had a passion for the things in life that really matter. I've definitely met American women who are like that, but very few quite like Mary Jo. Plus she smoked weed occasionally although like me she made good grades in school, and was always eager to learn new things.
I wish we could have found a way to get back together a few years later when it would make more sense to make plans for a future together, but eventually we lost touch. I think about Maria Jose, aka Mary Jo sometimes and I wonder how she's doing. I'm guessing she made someone a wonderful wife. I hope she found someone who can appreciate her, and for way more than just her beauty, and who loves her and treats her well. People are people, and from everything I learned about her she was one of the good ones.
I held onto her letters and only recently lost them. They were wonderful. They were a mixture of English and a little Spanish and an occasional drawing when she couldn't find the right words for something. I looked forward to every one. She signed each one the same way- "One kiss, Mary Jo." Cheers Maria Jose. You are amazing.
Monday, May 4, 2020
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