Quote of the Day (Here You Go)

"The blood of children fuels the New World Order." - Doug Hagmann
 

Could I Still Get a Rise Out of You?

I heard from an old girlfriend today. We were just talking about general stuff, when, out of the blue, she asked, "So...can you still get it up?" I didn't expect that. "That just crossed your mind, did it?" I asked. "Yeah, apparently so" she replied. "Most guys your age have trouble in that area. So, can you?" 

 Here's basically what I said to her, in a nutshell: "Can I get it up? Ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Ha HAAA-ha-ha. HAAAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAA-HAAAAA. Ha-HA-HAAA-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. HAAA-ha-ha."

 "HAAAAAA-HAAA-HAAA-HAAA-HA. HAAAAAAAAAAAA Ha-Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-HAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAA-HAAAAA-HAAA. Ha-ha-HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha. Ha. Whew. Yes." 

 

"Jeeba-Jabba-Jooba"

It's funny what things stick with you. I'll never forget one night during the all-too-brief period I dated Laura "Hot Damn" Pittman. Long story short, back in the early days when I worked in the crazy restaurant and so did she, we became big ol' best-buddies, and we still talk occasionally. She's a beautiful soul, as fine a woman as you could ask, and for mega-bonus points, she's hilarious. I really should've dated Laura longer. Much longer. 

 One night we went to see a band called the Cast. They were one of my favorite bands on the planet, who just happened to be local. They were amazing. The things that happened before, during and after a Cast show were legendary. This was during the peak of my "X" days, and Laura and I each took a couple of hits over about a four-hour period. We were flying.

 Her brother John met us at the club. He's a great guy and a character extraordinaire. He was X-ing too, and he'd taken a lot more than we had. We may have been flying, but John-Boy had blasted off in a rocketship. Or a UFO maybe. We were all groovin' to the music, and hoping our faces wouldn't crack from smiling so much. For brother and sister, John and Laura were best friends, and they were bouncing funny shit off of each other the whole time. I was having a ball.

 Ay some point John disappeared, like he went to get another spring water, and never came back. We were all drinking spring water, and talking about how wonderful it was. Everything was wonderful in fact...the music, the company, the buzz...everything. Then John was gone. We knew he was blasted, but he was also a big boy, so we didn't worry too much.

 A few hours later, after we'd shut down the band and gone by the crazy restaurant for a nightcap, we got back to Laura's. She and John were a few years younger than me, and still living at their parents' beautiful pad. We walked in, headed for the bedroom of course, but we were sidetracked by music coming from the living room, and went to investigate. 

 Sure enough, there was John, sitting cross-legged on the floor in front of the stereo. He was changing stations on the receiver, and twiddling knobs at random. He was mumbling something to himself. Basically it sounded like (to paraphrase): "Jeeba-Jabba Jooba. Jooba-Jeeba-Jooba. Jeeba-Jeeba-Jabba. Jooba-Jooba-Jooba." He was smiling ear-to-ear, so we knew he was okay, but he was still high as a blimp. 

 We died laughing, but we weren't sure he could actually speak, so we said "John...you okay?" He nodded and smiled bigger, but all he said was "Jeeba-Jeeba." We cracked-up again. That answered our question. He was so high that he couldn't talk (done there...been that), but he was speaking fluent Jeeba-Jooba. Not many people speak Jeeba-Jooba. We hang out with him a bit, making sure he was hydrated and all, and then went off to even further ecstasy. My, what a honey she was...and still is. 

 Of course it became a Joke with Laura and me, and we spread it far and wide. We'd get buzzed after work, and if we were really buzzed, we'd look at each other and go "Jeeba-Jabba-Jooba," and crack-up. Sometimes when I get so completely flabbergasted at something that I don't know what to say, I'll automatically go "Jeeba-Jabba-Jooba." It works as well as anything else, plus it rolls off the tongue, and as a bonus it gives me a laugh, and reminds me of Laura "Hot Damn" Pittman, aka "Ass of God." Love always Laura, and Jeeba-Jooba to Youba. 

 

 
 

Discovering Nature

Day before yesterday my friend Greg and I went to a place called Moss Rock Preserve. This is an underwater view from Moss Rock Creek, from a video I took. I haven't been in the woods an ages, and Moss Rock is a strikingly-beautiful place. I knew I'd have a great time, but I also knew that I'd experience something profound, and I did. 

 As we were standing by the creek, a group of six young ladies walked up and started talking to us. They were high-school age, ages 15-18 I'd say. I noticed a very strange look on one of the younger girl's face. It was a look of wonder, surprise, happiness and also some slight trepidation. I wondered what the deal was.

 Then another girl said that it was the younger girl's very first time to be out in "Nature." I just did manage to stop the words "Holy shit" from coming out of my mouth, and immediately went into "welcoming/education mode. She was staring at the creek with her mouth hanging open, as if she'd never seen one before, which incredibly may have been the case. I was gobsmacked.

 "Are there fish in here?" she asked. Again I had to stop myself from laughing. "Oh yes" I said. I pointed to a school of minnows, but she couldn't see them at first. To be fair they do blend-in, especially to city folk. She still couldn't see them, so I told her to focus on a big flat rock that was lighter in color than the surrounding rocks, and she finally saw the fish swim by. "Ooh!" she cried with delight. I almost burst into tears. It was heavy. 

 To see her actually discovering Nature for the very first time was something I was thrilled to share with her. She asked questions about this and that, and I answered as best I could. It was a joy to increase her interest, and without overselling it, I tried to at least plant a seed in her that Nature is cool, and she should dang-sure start enjoying it occasionally. I prayed that God would nurture that seed, and I know He will. 

 As I set up my camera for an underwater video, they walked on ahead, to the waterfall. After a few minutes we followed and stopped at the base of the "falls," which might actually be termed "cascade." The water mostly flows over massive rocks, rather than falling. It's beautiful. The girls were up ahead at the top of the falls, waving down to us. It would've made an excellent photo, but my camera was underwater at the time. Our new "Nature Girl" was grinning ear-to-ear. She was feeling it. 

 I know to never doubt my "Little Voice," so I knew something profound was going to happen, but I couldn't have imagined what took place. I hope that seed I planted in her will grow big. It was heavy. God bless you, New Nature Sister. Happy Trails!
 

More Delightful British Slang

I just ran across yet another charming British euphemism for "wanking," as the Brits would say- "Having a tug." To our ears it sounds more like "'aving a toog." That's classic. Ah, those Brits...they bever cease to amuse, but what would one expect from the culture who also gave us the term "Polishing the helmet?"

The "Good Clown" Days

As I've said before, back in the day, for Halloween parties and other special occasions where a costume was apropos, my default costume was loosely based on Emmett Kelly. He was sort of the "bum" clown, with a sad face and a five-o'clock shadow. I'm distantly related to him, so that was cool. I got away with so much shit wearing this costume that occasionally I'd do it just for the fun of it. 

 In fact, I was "clowning around" when this photo was taken. We were having professional photos made, and I decided to do the clown thing. The parrot was the photographer's idea. I wasn't supposed to be a pirate, but what the fuck. My mom was going through some of my dad's stuff and found it. Too funny, ha-ha.

 Some people have always been afraid of clowns, and understandably so, and there have always been scary clowns, but the era of the "creepy clown" didn't really go mainstream until two decades or so ago. Maybe the movie It jumpstarted it all...who knows. It used to be okay to be a clown. I miss those days.

 Some years back, sightings of "creepy clowns" in the woods, roaming streets and even appearing near schools and such began. After almost two years it died-down, made a bit of a resurgence, but we haven't heard that much lately, what with life being a clown show these days. I'll say again that I'll never forget one day about five years ago, when several schools were actually in lockdown due to sightings of "creepy clowns" in the woods nearby that morning, and it was right near us.

 I t was surreal walking the dogs while the local schools were under lockdown, and scanning the woods for the possible presence of a creepy clown. How crazy is that? I knew that the world was further losing its collective mind when things like that were happening. My ex didn't want to go on the midnight walk that night. She was terrified of running into a creepy clown. I have to admit it's a bit of a mindfuck. I told her not to worry, if I saw a clown I'd honk his nose and then pepper-spray him, but she wasn't amused. 

 There was a time during all that where you'd get the shit beaten out of you if you were caught wearing a clown costume, but my clown days were mostly before things got this fucked-up. The crazy shit I got away with...I realize that pretty much any costume gives a person an "alter ego," and the right to behave differently, within reason. Even so there was something about a clown costume, and maybe even this clown costume.

 It wasn't the traditional funny clown with the bulb nose, although I did carry a squirt-flower many times, it was more...I don't know...subtle maybe. Without wearing a mask, it was amazing how it completely changed my appearance. I could walk right up to people and they wouldn't recognize me. It was somehow disarming, and people kinda expected you to do crazy shit dressed like a clown, and I got away with some shit I still can't believe. 

 Seeing as how I'm all old and skinny and gnarly now, seeing this photo was a bit of a shock. Of course about half a century has passed since it was taken, but back then I didn't make a bad-looking clown really, if I do say so myself. No wonder I got so much high-quality pussy. Heck, I'd'a done me. Cheers, Emmett!
 

The Real Stay Puft Man

I found the real Stay Puft Man. No shit...this is him. If you were somehow able to float this fuck above a big parade, everybody would flee in terror. Let me be clear that I'd never make fun of someone like this, with issues such as swollen ankles, cheeseburger body and not being able to see his dick, but this person in reality is a sick, evil bastard, and deserves to be exposed. Besides that he looks exactly like the Stay Puft Man. Holy Moly.

It's him, minus the hat. The real guy is even scarier. He could be in movies too. The resemblance is uncanny.