Wednesday, January 23, 2019

Things I Never Questioned #377,495: Two Times in One

Most people are happy to suspend their beliefs when they watch a movie or TV show that is presented as fiction, but sometimes you catch things that would be impossible in reality or fiction; to the point that it should negate the story line. Not to say that you shouldn't go ahead and suspend your beliefs and enjoy the show, and you probably wouldn't notice the problem anyway, but purely from a technical asshole's POV it's a head-shaker.
 There was an episode of the original Star Trek where the Enterprise took on some Alien species. They looked and spoke just like us (which no doubt saved on wardrobe and makeup costs), only their existence was moving at many times that of Kirk and Company. Compared to humans they were moving so fast that they were invisible, and their sped-up conversations, while audible, sounded like an insect buzzing to the crew. One cool thing about the episode was the "unseen monster" thing, where you couldn't see the monster but you knew it was there. The people would be right there on the bridge with them, but all they were aware of was a high-pitched buzzing.
 For those keeping score the episode was called "Wink of an Eye." This shows a classic scene that perfectly illustrates the time difference. Kirk tried to shoot a Phaser at the quick villainess, but the nanosecond beam that was hauling ass in Kirk's dimension looked like it was moving through molasses to her, and she was able to casually tilt her head to the side and let the beam pass without hitting her. No doubt it kept going and hit the wall and vaporized half of Uhura's shit, but that's TV. Speaking of things I never questioned, I wonder how good of an idea it was to fire a Phaser on the bridge of the Enterprise under any circumstances.
 At times the fast people were able to slow way down and become visible and interact with the crew in real time, and of course at one point Kirk was "upvibrated" into their dimension for a brief time. Sure enough a woman he'd just met two seconds before was already a love interest. I can't fault him for that. We've all been there. The "Kirk Wants It" theme with the flutes and ultra-high vocals started playing as she was smiling at Kirk. He was ready to cut another notch in his Phaser, but I don't think they ever hooked up. It's just as well. It sure would add new meaning to the word "quickie."
 The deal is, the two dimensions couldn't have existed together, at least not for very long, and it weakens the story; fantasy or not. That, and the fact that you can't believe you missed it before. It would be like taking two reel-to-reel tape decks and running one at normal speed, but taking a power drill to the take-up reel on the second deck and cranking the speed up five thousand times. You'd need a reel of tape the size of a city block to last as long as the regular 7" reel running at normal speed.
 For those too young to remember reel-to-reel tape decks, you could use toilet paper as an example. It would take a roll the size of Florida spinning 5K times faster to last as long a normal roll in your house. Even if Kirk had gotten a long hummer with excellent after-sales service, the entire episode's worth of interaction between the Aliens and the crew of the Enterprise should've been over before the opening credits finished rolling. The question becomes: if their timelines were so much faster than the characters in the original series, then why didn't they keep on going, and end up on Deep Space 9?

Thursday, January 17, 2019

Spiked: The "Messy" Look

How long has the "messy" haircut been in style? Seems like it's been a really long time and as far as I can tell it's still going strong. It's always cracked me up to think that people pay good money to make themselves look like they don't give a shit. If I'm not mistaken you have to get a special cut to make it look that way. Ordinary bed-head or the "I've been on a bender" look just won't do. Is there a special name for it, or is it so ubiquitous that they just call it "the cut?"
 I guess when the stylist cuts hair like this, they just cut a few random chunks here and there, and leave some spikes in between. They really wouldn't have to know shit about coiffure. They don't have to worry about blending or fading or the "Bobby Sherman" look or anything else...just eyeball the head for a few seconds; grab some scissors and go to town like a manic performance artist. 25 or 30 snips and 45 seconds later and you're done. Just think...you could pass your cosmetology exam totally shit-faced, and get a job at Supercuts. Just cut that bitch. It doesn't matter how it looks. "That'll be $75 please." "Thank you."
 Fa-fa-fa-fashion has always tripped me out. "I want to look like that 'cause everydamnbody else looks like that. I must fit in." Alrighty then. Remember the Sneetches? Sometimes they had stars on thars.